


never could be sweeter than with you

by nihonlove



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Chubby Katsuki Yuuri, Communication Failure, Everyone Lives in USA, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Gay Katsuki Yuuri, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Phichit Chulanont/Lee Seung Gil, Misunderstandings, Model Victor Nikiforov, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining Katsuki Yuuri, School Reunion, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Victor Nikiforov and Yuri Plisetsky are Brothers, Wingman Phichit Chulanont, sort of, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-10-22 07:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10692249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihonlove/pseuds/nihonlove
Summary: Back in highschool, Yuuri Katsuki was basically every stereotype of an unpopular nerd rolled into one. Since then, he likes to think his life has improved in miles. But when an invitation to his highschool reunion arrives, it forces him to take a longer look at his life and his relationships. Particularly with one certain friend he's been in love with for years and who now wants to help Yuuri through his reunion by pretending to be his boyfriend...





	1. just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sort-of-fake-relationship fic I've been talking about on multiple platforms and can finally, finally post. The fic is already finished, so expect regular updates. I'm aiming at a chapter a week.
> 
> One thing to note is that this fic is not set in the magical wonderful world of Yuri on Ice that I love where homophobia does not exist, mostly because the fic is largely inspired by my personal experiences and it took me a long time to come to terms with my own sexuality. There shouldn't be any blatant homophobia in here, however, since most characters are queer and they live in a liberal area.
> 
> Special thanks to the whole Viktuuri Writers' Discord Chat for advice and encouragement, as well as my three beta-readers spookyfoot, flowercrownyuri and c0rnfl0wer <3.

If asked on any other day, Yuuri Katsuki would tell you his life is relatively decent. Sure, the constant buzz of anxiety humming at the back of his head sometimes spikes and prevents him from being mentally stable; still, these days he’s mostly managing that too, with the appropriate medication, coping mechanisms, and therapy. Since he started college, his life has improved in waves. He successfully made some more friends who accepted him for who he is, and that helped him begin to accept himself. He managed to come to terms with the whole gay thing and came out during his sophomore year, and even managed to go on a few dates — though they didn’t really end up going anywhere. He graduated with good grades and managed to find a job to pay the bills.

So, yeah, on most days, Yuuri would tell you he’s pretty happy with his life at 26. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best it has ever been for him and he’s certainly doing much better than before. His life is simple, but it’s not like Yuuri is a very complicated person. Simple works well for him.

But today is not most days. Yuuri, however, still has no clue of that when he gets home from his job at the ice rink and picks up the mail left on the welcoming mat. The first few things he leafs through are just bills and ads, the usual. But then he comes across two almost identical letters, the same except for their addressee. Yuuri recognizes the logo at the upper left corner, and immediately his stomach drops down to his knees while cold sweat drips down his spine. Yuuri may have blocked out most of his teenage years, but he would recognize that logo anywhere, anytime. He saw it many times when he was being pushed against lockers, emblazoned on the athletic jerseys the bigger boys wore.

Yuuri almost drops the mail, his hands are shaking so much. There is a lump in his throat and his breathing grows erratic. He wants to throw both of these letters away, rip them apart, and never look at or think about them ever again. But there is also another urge, a curious ebbing at him that demands he open the letter and see what’s inside. And, almost without thinking about it, feeling much like an outside observer looking in at what he’s doing and not even consciously trying to do it, Yuuri finds himself opening the letter addressed to him with shaky fingers.

Yuuri skims over the sender’s information, which lists the name of his old principal and the school’s address, before resting his eyes on the actual body of the letter and reading:

_Dear Mr. Katsuki_

_You are cordially invited to a highschool reunion of the class of 2007 on April 20th, 2017—_

Yuuri just manages to get himself into a chair before his legs give up on him. It is then that it feels like everything that’s wrong with his life crashes down on him all at once. He’d gone to college, and what had that really given him? Student debt and no job offers for a position in his field. Yuuri is sending applications to work as an English teacher to every school in the area, but only really heard back from a few, and he never got past the job interview. He just works at an ice rink, a job he had gotten through family friends. He could’ve worked there even without a college degree, like his childhood friend Yuuko. But no, his stupid brain just won’t let him be natural enough at job interviews for work he actually was qualified for, and therefore he will probably never teach at an actual school because he is a gay Asian 20-something with a degree, high-strung nerves, and no real job experience.

When Yuuri finally, finally graduated highschool, he had high hopes that life might get a little better for him. As the quiet and shy kid who was also one of the school’s very few people of color, not to mention queer (although at the time deep in the closet and denial) hadn’t exactly made highschool an easy time for Yuuri. When he’d left the place he had for many years associated with hell itself, he had hoped that when it came time for a reunion, Yuuri would have something to show off to everyone that had ever made life harder for him there. A good job, a nice house, a wonderful significant other. He had managed to forget much of that dream as life took over and the quality of Yuuri’s general existence began to improve; but now, with the arrival of that letter, all those thoughts come back with the heaviness and speed of a freight-train. And what exactly does Yuuri have to show off for the ten years after high school that have passed for him?

An anxiety disorder, a tiny apartment he shares with the same best friend he’s had since high school, a degree he isn’t doing anything with, and–

At that moment, his phone lets out an electronic bark as it vibrates on the table. Phichit helped him change the text message alerts to personalized ones for everyone who texts him most often. And, Yuuri is ashamed to admit, that barking sound is one of his favorite things to hear in the world. His mind clear of everything else momentarily, he picks up his phone and checks out the message he just received.

_From: Vitya_

_Coffee at C’s? y/y <3 <3 <3\. _

Yuuri can’t help but smile at the flutter he feels in his heart. Then, he catches himself, and buries his head in his arms on the table, his phone still in his hand, as he groans at how pathetic he is.

Because he can’t forget the most important thing. Still single, still a virgin at 26, and pathetically in love with one of his closest friends — who is so far out of Yuuri’s league he doesn’t even know what cosmic power has led them to even being friends in the first place.

(Dogs. Dogs are the answer to that.)

…

Here’s the thing. Yuuri Katsuki grew up in a fairly isolated and tiny suburbia, with basically only a grocery store, a clubhouse, and a movie theater in his immediate vicinity, aside from the Bed & Breakfast he called home. Everything else was an hour’s drive away in the city, and when they were young, he and everyone he knew barely had a chance to go there outside of weekends. It was such a boring, meaningless existence that almost everyone had to find an outlet in order to not go batshit insane there.

(Yuuri can’t honestly say he didn’t go batshit insane there, but having an outlet at least helped him deal a little better until he could get out of there.)

If, at age 13, Yuuri would’ve had to list three of his hobbies he would’ve said: Dancing, taking care of my dog, and gaming. But there were also other things Yuuri did. He skated at Yuuko’s parents rink, but that was only on the weekends when he could go to the city. So that wouldn’t have been high on his list as a hobby. But there was another hobby with almost as big a place in his life as the other three. The difference there was that he wouldn’t have dared to name it out loud to anyone who wasn’t close to him and didn’t already know.

And that hobby was following Viktor Nikiforov’s modelling career.

It had started out simply. At the age of 12, while watching a show he had long since forgotten, Yuuri had just happened to see a commercial. The commercial featured a teenager with flowing light hair, advertising a shampoo that would make every teen’s hair as shiny and long and thick as his.

And Yuuri was never quite the same after.

From then on, he collected magazines and posters, watched every commercial and interview Viktor was in, and even got a dog that was like a miniature version of the one Viktor owned and then named the dog after him. Sometimes Yuuri was a bit embarrassed to realize how obvious the whole gay thing had been even at that age and how he still hadn’t figured it out until much later. All one would’ve had to do was to look at his childhood bedroom to make the conclusion of ‘yep, gay.’

Yuuri had loved Viktor from his early teens up until his adulthood. When he actually met the man, by pure unimaginable coincidence, and during less than flattering circumstances, Yuuri could barely believe it. He honestly thought he was still either drunk or being punked.

They became quick friends, mostly because Yuuri felt like he didn’t have anything to lose with Viktor. He had already seen Yuuri at pretty much his lowest and still wanted to be around him. Viktor, too, in real life was more complicated and complex than a photo in a magazine or a man in an interview. But Yuuri adored the real thing even more than the fake one. He had loved Viktor for a long time. It didn’t take much for him to fall in love with him for real as they got to know each other.

But Yuuri also knew Viktor was way out of his league, and he would never see him as anything other than a friend. He was lucky enough to just be in Viktor’s life. He was mostly content with that, even though his heart and feelings sometimes got the best of him. Viktor had been working since he’d been 14, he’d travelled the world as a model and experienced things Yuuri could never even dream of. He was a real adult with a real career, he had his life together. He had wealth and a fancy apartment. He was of course also beautiful beyond measure – he couldn’t have been a model otherwise – but he was also just very loveable as a person, as Yuuri found out increasingly during their friendship. Viktor was kind and devoted to those he loved, he adored his dog and loved everything sweet. He was unafraid to try new things and supportive of everyone he cared about. He was vain, but he was always on time everywhere. He was forgetful, but he always tried his best to make up for what he forgot.

He was everything Yuuri had ever wanted, and could never even hope to have.

…

It’s about half an hour later that Yuuri meets Viktor at C’s, the cozy café that their group of friends likes to frequent because each of them has become addicted to something or another that they serve. Though obviously Yuuri’s not just going there for their apple pie now. He almost wants to bang his head against the wall at how pathetic he is, but it’s still a fact that he can’t deny Viktor anything that is in his power to give; seeing him makes everything in Yuuri’s life seem a little better and brighter and Yuuri knows he is, in fact, a pitiable loser with a hopeless infatuation. Why fight it and try to pretend otherwise?

When he turns a corner that puts C’s in his view, he sees that Viktor is already there, outside, waiting for him. His silver hair is unmistakable and his clothes immaculate as always. He looks so beautiful with the wind blowing gently at him, almost like he’s a painting or a photograph, that Yuuri sort of wants to cry. But it’s then that his attention slides to the reason for why Viktor is outside with two carry-on mugs, one of which he’s sipping, rather than inside in the warmth of the café, possibly devouring their shrimp-and-mushroom wok with noodles.

“Makkachin!” Yuuri gasps in delight, and hurries the rest of his steps over to the dog and his owner. Makkachin greets him with a cheerful bark as Yuuri approaches, and Yuuri rewards him immediately by crouching down and petting his thick curly fur all over. Makkachin greets him by soft licks on the cheek, and Yuuri immediately feels a bit better about his day.

“Don’t I get anything?” The dog’s owner pouts as Yuuri glances up at him. “I swear, Yurik, sometimes I think you love my dog more than me.”

“I _do_ love your dog more than you,” Yuuri says, cuddling into Makkachin’s warmth, “Isn’t that right, Makkachin?”

“So mean, Yurik,” Viktor says, but he pets the poodle’s head nonetheless, with a smile in his voice.

Yuuri lets go of the dog for now and greets its owner. Viktor’s cheeks are slightly flushed from the cold, and there seems to be a shine in his eyes. Yuuri’s heart throbs. Viktor is sometimes too beautiful to look at, like the blinding glare of the sun.

“Hi,” Yuuri mumbles dumbly. Yep, confirmed. He’s pathetic.

“Hey,” Viktor beams at him, then hands Yuuri one of the carry-on cups he has with him. “I got you tea. I hope it’s okay.”

“Thanks,” Yuuri says, and takes the cup. He sips it. It’s perfect, as always. Herbal, with just the right amount of honey. “Why did you bring Makkachin, anyway? You know they don’t allow animals in C’s.”

“I know that very well, thank you. I’m not just standing out here for kicks.” Viktor smirks, but then his expression turns softer, sadder. “You seemed kind of down in your text. I thought seeing Makkachin might cheer you up.”

Yuuri blinks. “How did you get that from ‘Okay, see you in 20’?”

“You didn’t put a smiley face at the end,” Viktor says, sipping his coffee like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “You always put a smiley face at the end for me, Yurik. Unless you’re too upset to do that.”

Yuuri blushes. He’d never noticed that. He can’t believe Viktor can tell his mood by something that simple. He shuffles his feet awkwardly, averting his eyes in embarrassment.

“Hey,” Viktor says, his voice soft and gentle as he lightly touches Yuuri’s shoulder with his hand. “Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid. I shouldn’t even be this upset by it in the first place,” Yuuri mumbles, because it’s true. This is a really dumb thing to get upset over. He shouldn’t bother Viktor with it. 

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you.” Viktor’s eyes are kind, and a little sad. “You know you can always talk to me, right? Maybe I can help if I know what’s wrong.”

Yuuri’s heart swells in his chest. How could he not to love this man? It’s true that Viktor had fumbled and made mistakes regarding him at the beginning of their friendship, but these days it seems like he always knows what to say to make Yuuri feel better, to get him to open up. His care touches Yuuri, even as his heart aches because he knows Viktor is only acting out of kindness and friendship rather than anything resembling what Yuuri truly wants from him.

“Okay,” Yuuri says.

Viktor smiles gently. “Shall we take a walk through the park?”

Yuuri nods, and the two of them cross the street to the park with Makkachin on a leash in front of them. Viktor lets Yuuri find his words in comfortable silence as they walk together, sipping their hot drinks and pausing once in awhile when Makkachin wants to stop and smell something interesting.

Finally, Yuuri begins. “I’ve told you a little about what life was like for me in highschool, right?”

Viktor blinks momentarily, raising his pale eyebrows slightly, but then nods. “Yes, a little. It wasn’t the easiest time for you, right?”

“No.” Yuuri sighs. “I was basically every stereotype of a nerd you see in bad movies and sitcoms. I was the kid with the big glasses and braces who was overweight and Asian. I was shy and I kept to myself for the most part. School was important to me because I wanted to get into college, and I was admittedly a bit of a teacher’s pet. Of course, most people looked down on that. To add that on top of everything else…” he let the silence speak for itself.

“I understand,” Viktor says. Yuuri smiles a little at that. He knew Viktor would.

“It wasn’t all terrible,” Yuuri says. “I mean, I met Phichit in highschool, and we’re still best friends. We were the only non-white kids in our grade so I guess that’s why we stuck together at first…” he trails off for a moment. “But for the most part, high school was really tough. There was a lot of name-calling and pushing, and just the general atmosphere of it…like I could feel their eyes following me and judging my every move no matter where I went. My anxiety was also really bad at that point, and at the time I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and didn’t know enough about mental illnesses, so…”

Viktor’s silent, but he puts a gentle arm around Yuuri, his expression sympathetic and kind as he looks down into Yuuri’s eyes. Yuuri’s heart clenches, and Viktor’s touch feels so warm and heavy on his shoulder. He wants to lean in to Viktor’s warmth, but he knows that would be inappropriate. Viktor is just trying to comfort him like a good friend. It doesn’t actually mean anything, no matter what Yuuri’s traitorous heart might try and tell him.

“Anyway, somehow, I survived it, and I graduated with good grades,” Yuuri continues. “I got into college, and was so relieved to finally be out of highschool. College did turn out a lot better than I had even imagined, for more than one reason, but…” he sighs. “I guess I always kind of dreamed that if I ever had to face up to everyone who I went to highschool with again, I could hold my head high. I wanted to go back there and internally laugh in everyone’s faces about how much better my life had turned out than theirs.” He pauses, letting Viktor take it all in for a moment. “Today, an invitation came in the mail. To our ten year highschool reunion.”

“Oh,” Viktor says.

“Yeah,” Yuuri sighs. “And I don’t have anything to show anyone. I’m stuck at my dead-end job with no prospects for a position that would actually fit my education. I still live with my college roommate less than two hour’s drive away from my parents and where I went to highschool, and I’m still fucking single!” Yuuri takes in a breath, flushing a little at himself. He doesn’t normally let himself swear. Viktor seems slightly surprised too. “The only thing I’ve got going for me is that I no longer need the braces and that I’ve lost some of the weight I had in the first few years.” Not all of it, but Yuuri’s mostly accepted that he’s always going to be at least a little chubby — unless he wants to practically starve himself. The most important thing for him now is that he stays healthy as he can be, which he is. He quickly repeats that in his head before he can start worrying about his weight again.

“Yurik…” Viktor begins, sounding a little hesitant. “You like your job. And you love living with Phichit; you said it yourself just now that you’re best friends. Plus you’re really close to your family, and you said having them nearby helps with your anxiety. So why leave?”

“I know, I know,” Yuuri sighs. “I do know all that. On any normal day I wouldn’t be feeling this pathetic about my life, but today…”

Viktor says nothing, just stares ahead thoughtfully as they walk. They remain silent for a moment, and Yuuri sips his tea as he lets his words wash over both of them.

“Well…” Viktor finally says, his chin in his hand. “There may be something you could do. What we could do.”

Yuuri blinks. “What, then?”

“I could come with you, as your plus one.”

Yuuri snorts, “No offence, Vitya, but I think bringing a friend as your date is even more pathetic than showing up alone.” Not to mention Viktor’s gorgeousness would likely remind everyone even further of how single and alone Yuuri is. Viktor would probably be hit on by every unattached person at the reunion, and Yuuri couldn’t bear to watch Viktor get propositioned by the best and the worst people he had gone to highschool with. If Viktor takes one of them home, Yuuri might actually combust out of jealousy.

Not that Viktor does flings that much, even though he has the looks and the charm to do so. But as long as Yuuri had known him, Viktor has been a relatively private person, keeping to himself, his friends, and his family. Yuuri knows that this hasn’t always been the case, but when he asked Viktor about it, his friend said that he left his playboy days in his early twenties, and now longs for a peaceful and quiet life. Yuuri can understand that, though it is a real pity that Viktor doesn’t seem inclined to include any sort of romantic entanglement in his life anymore. Though, maybe he does go on dates that Yuuri doesn’t get to hear about because they hadn’t developed into anything more.

“No, no,” Viktor says. “I meant, I would go with you as your date. I could pretend to be your boyfriend for the reunion; that’d be sure to make everyone you knew jealous.”

Yuuri sure is glad he hadn’t been drinking his tea right then, because he would’ve spit it out. As it is, he’s having trouble breathing, with Viktor suggesting something like _that_ so openly and with such a straight face.

Viktor seems to notice this, because he stops walking and looks over at Yuuri. “Yurik, are you okay?”

“A-are you serious?!” Yuuri barely manages to gasp out, the word ‘boyfriend,’ ringing in his ears. He feels the blood rushing to his face, and not just because of the chill in the air. “V-Vitya, that’s–”

“Breathe, Yurik,” Viktor says calmly, though Yuuri can hear the concerned undertone in his voice. He takes a few deep breaths. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” Viktor says softly, once he deems Yuuri fine again. “It was just a suggestion. We don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable. I just thought…” Viktor suddenly looks hesitant, almost shy, averting his eyes as his cheeks grow a bit pink. Yuuri is embarrassingly dazzled by the sight of that. “It would be an easier lie than a job or wealth. And who better to do it than me? I’m certainly attractive and successful enough to be suitable arm candy. Not to mention the fact that we know each other so well; pretending to be a couple wouldn’t be that difficult, would it?”

Yes. It would. Because Yuuri is almost certain he won’t be able to keep in mind that Viktor is just pretending, especially when he so craves Viktor’s attention, touch, and love. All of this would make it weird. But the way that he craves, the way he aches and burns inside for Viktor, makes Viktor’s proposal all the more tempting, because pretending to be Viktor’s boyfriend might be the only chance Yuuri will ever have to experience stuff like holding Viktor’s hand, or introducing him as his boyfriend, or (Oh God) kissing him. Not to mention just getting to see the look on his old classmates’ faces if he brought someone like Viktor with him…

Eventually, Yuuri sighs. “Can I think about it for a while?”

“Of course, take as long as you need,” Viktor says. Then his lips spread into a smile. “Let’s talk about something else; take your mind off it for now.” Viktor quickly shifts the topic of the conversation. “You won’t believe what happened this week…”

Yuuri sips his tea, and lets Viktor’s voice and tales soothe his nerves and worries for now. There’s no use ruminating on either his idea or Yuuri’s general lack of life accomplishments right now. Like Viktor says, all of that can wait at least until tomorrow when he can get some second opinions on the whole matter.


	2. two hearts, two hands, it’s a slippery slope

“Yuuri, this is a terrible idea,” is what Yuuko says after Yuuri tells her about Viktor’s proposition the next day, while they are waiting for people to show up at the rink.

Yuuri sighs. Of course. He knows that already. “I guess you’re right.” He leans forward, his chin in his hand, elbow resting on the countertop in front of him. They are silent for a moment. Then Yuuri says, “Would it really be so bad though? I mean, really, really?”

“Yuuri,” Yuuko sighs, and Yuuri recognizes she’s about to take on what he secretly likes to think of as her ‘Mom Voice.’ “This plan would essentially be you and the guy you’ve been in love with for over three years pretending to be super in love and affectionate in front of a bunch of people who used to be assholes to you in high school. Are you really sure you want to put yourself through that?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri says honestly. “But what else can I do? I only have a few options, and none of them are exactly good. This might be the best one I have.”

“Yuuri,” Yuuko says, softening her tone to the one that reminds Yuuri why they’ve been friends for 20 years. She places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I wish I had some kind of spell or words of wisdom that could make you not care so much about what some unimportant, washed-up douchebags might think about you–”

“Gee, thanks,” Yuuri mumbles.

“–but I don’t. And I can’t make decisions for you either. You’re grown man; I can’t stop or make you do anything. All I can do is tell you what I think and give you advice. If this is something you feel like you need to do to let go of the stuff that happened in high school, then do it. But I’m just scared you’ll end up getting hurt even more, and I would prefer not to have to see that. It’s bad enough watching you pine the way you do.”

Yuuri groans. He doesn’t need Yuuko to confirm to him how pathetic he is. He knows better than anyone his pining is just getting sad. Who pines over someone for three years running? But it isn’t like Yuuri hasn’t tried to move on; he’s gone on plenty of dates trying to find someone who could help him get over Viktor. They never work out. Mostly because Yuuri can’t stop comparing the people he goes to these dates with to Viktor. Eventually he realized he was wasting everyone’s time, and resigned himself to being in sad, unrequited love forever, doomed to die alone.

He decides to try and direct the conversation away from Viktor. “What was it like for you? When you went to Takeshi’s reunion last year?”

“Oh, you know,” Yuuko shrugs. “It wasn’t bad, but it was mostly kinda boring for me. It was interesting to see what some of the people had become, but for the most part I didn’t care that much. There’s a reason I didn’t go to mine. Everyone who I cared to see or know about are either still in my life, or easily stalked on Facebook. I knew going in that there would be people who would judge me, or were hoping to see what a horrible life I have nowadays since I got married and had triplets right after my boyfriend graduated. But I know I’m happy with my life the way it is; I can’t think of much I’d change about it. I wasn’t going to let some people I barely knew ten years ago change my mind about that, and I went to the reunion with that mindset. And I left it knowing I was still as content with my life as I’d been before I went.”

Yuuri knows Yuuko’s perspective better than most people. In high school, Yuuko hadn’t been a total social reject, unlike him. She even had a chance to be one of the popular kids if she hadn’t always so bravely been her complete self, not caring about what anyone else thought or said. Yuuri has always admired that about her. She stood up for the bullied kids and didn’t leave behind her less popular childhood friends. She hadn’t been part of the big leagues, but no one ever messed with her either, and she’d never lacked for friends.

Nowadays, her life isn’t anything an objective outsider might consider glamorous, but Yuuri knows Yuuko is perfectly happy with the way her life has turned out. She has a job at her parents’ ice rink, stands to inherit it when they eventually retire, is married to her high school sweetheart, and has triplet daughters in elementary school. Her life is simple, and some might mock her by saying she hasn’t made much of herself, but Yuuri knows this is the life she wanted. She had the talent to take herself on a different route, if she’d wanted, but she has all she’s ever longed for – a peaceful happy life. 

But the thing is that Yuuri isn’t like her. Anxiety disorder aside, he’s struggled with confidence for a long time and sometimes he still does. He isn’t as brave as she is, he never has been, and he knows he cares far too much about what other people think about him. The other thing is that, unlike Yuuko, Yuuri can’t say he’s that happy with his life. He’s mostly just…going through the motions. And that realization stings. 

Thankfully, just then the first group of people arrive to skate, and grant Yuuri a momentary distraction from the sad state of his existence. For now at least.

…

When Yuuri comes home later that day, he finds Phichit sitting at their kitchen table, sorting through their mail.

“I’m home,” Yuuri says out of habit, even though he knows Phichit heard him arrive.

“Welcome back,” Phichit returns, not even looking up from the mail in his hands. “I found the invitations to our high school reunion.”

“Yeah…they arrived yesterday,” Yuuri says, shedding his coat and shoes quickly before making his way over to his roommate.

“You planning on going?”

“I don’t know yet,” Yuuri says. “You?”

Phichit shrugs. “I mean, probably? Though honestly, I don’t get why our class decided to have a reunion in just ten years; almost no one has their shit together in their twenties. We should’ve waited at least fifteen years, preferably twenty so I could’ve at least won a famous independent movie award, and you could’ve become a teacher of the year or something before we had to see all those assholes again.”

Yuuri has to laugh a little at that. “Honestly, ten years was far too short a time to be away from them — for more than one reason.”

“Exactly,” Phichit grins. “But it’s not like I have much to be ashamed of, right? My day job might just be bartending, but at least I can do what I love on the side. Plus I have a hot boyfriend who’s in veterinary school, so my track record isn’t too bad.”

Yuuri knows Phichit isn’t trying to brag. He has no way of knowing about Yuuri’s on-going reunion-inspired mini-crisis because he hasn’t seen Phichit in over a day and didn’t want to bother him while he was at work. But still. After seeing Phichit so confident and his talk with Yuuko, Yuuri feels more pathetic than ever about life. Not that Phichit doesn’t have a point, or things to be proud of. He’s been with the same guy since their college days, is on his way of making his dreams come true as a filmmaker, and is basically the living embodiment of the ‘be careful of who you call ugly in middle school’ meme. It’s just hard to realize how behind you are from the rest of your friends in seemingly every way. Not to even mention that Yuuri himself and, Viktor for some bizarre reason, are basically the only single people Yuuri knows.

“Yuuri?” Phichit says, bringing Yuuri out of his musings of misery. “Are you okay? You got that dark cloud hanging over your head again.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “I guess…I guess this is just hitting me a little hard. It’s putting things a bit too much in perspective, you know?”

Phichit’s eyes soften, and he reaches out to touch Yuuri’s hand. “You know you don’t have to go, right?”

“That would just make it seem like I was such a coward that I couldn’t face everyone again.”

“I can just make up something for you! Say you had better things to do!”

Yuuri smiles a little at that, though it comes out a bit forced. “Thanks, but I’d still know the truth. It would bother me if I didn’t go.” He looks over into Phichit’s familiar, sympathetic eyes and decides to just tell him. It’s good to have more than one opinion, isn't it? “Viktor offered to go with me. As my date. Or, rather, as my pretend-boyfriend.”

Phichit blinks. Then blinks again. He stares at Yuuri in silence. Yuuri doesn’t dare move or breathe. Then, slowly, Phichit’s expression turns to one of absolute glee.

“Yuuri!” He squeals, slamming his hand on the table so hard Yuuri jumps a little. “You gotta do it! You’ll blow everyone away with Viktor as your arm candy! Then no one will be able to say you haven’t accomplished anything! You can walk out there a winner!”

It’s now Yuuri’s turn to blink. “But don’t you…don’t you think it’s a bad idea? You know how I feel about Viktor…”

“Better than anyone, trust me,” Phichit says, “but that’s exactly why I think you should do it.” He pauses, though Yuuri isn’t sure if it was for dramatic effect or something else. “It’ll be easier to act when it’s real, right? Plus, you guys already know basically everything about each other, so it’ll be easy if someone asks you questions.”

“That’s what he said too…” Yuuri mumbles, blushing a little. “But isn’t it kinda sad? I mean, you said I’d be the winner in that scenario, but I’d always know it wasn’t real, that Viktor wasn’t really my boyfriend but the guy I’ve been pining over for three years…”

Phichit’s gaze softens again, and he turns to look Yuuri straight in the eye. “Yuuri, do you think most of those people are going to be telling you the truth about anything? Let me tell you, most of them are probably going to lie to make their lives look better than they actually are. And then you’ll feel like shit, because the people who made our lives hell for all of high school are doing better than you are; or at least that’s what they’ll make it look like. But if you show up with Viktor, you can shake their confidence instead. You could laugh at their faces by showing up with the guy that starred in the posters in your childhood bedroom! Show them that karma is a bitch and good things happen to good people. I have ammunition against them, and I’d like for you to have some too, though I guess it’d be the best if we just didn’t care about what anyone from there thought anyway.”

Listening to his best friend like this, Yuuri actually manages a smile. Phichit gets this, the way Yuuko never completely can because her high school experience was so different from theirs.

“You really think I should do it?”

“It’s up to you, in the end,” Phichit shrugs. “I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do. But remember that I think this is a good idea, and any idea I think is good is automatically worth trying.”

All Yuuri can do is skeptically raise an eyebrow. “Phichit,” he begins. “During our freshman year of college, you thought it was a good idea to steal sandwiches from the tech department and then challenge them to a toy gun war over them.”

“I mean, yeah, but–”

“You thought it was a good idea to mix coffee with an entire bottle of energy drink.”

“It was finals week, I was desperate!”

“You thought it was a good idea to–”

“Okay, okay, I get it already, I’ve had a lot of crazy ideas.” Phichit concedes, raising his hands in surrender. “But you have to admit they’ve been fun.”

Yeah, Yuuri has to admit that is kind of true. And he knows he would’ve missed out on a lot in life if he hadn’t let Phichit drag him into his schemes over the years. Aside from the fact that Phichit is just sunshine and warmth personified, Yuuri supposes that was why they are friends in the first place. Phichit, more than anyone in his worst years, managed to make life fun and exciting for Yuuri in a way that didn’t automatically make him want to hide under his bed. He has his own special ways of making Yuuri come out of his shell. In the meantime, Yuuri likes to think he manages to ground Phichit somewhat, and to make him think twice in the cases when it really counts.

Before he can think of a way to express all of this to his friend, however, Phichit’s phone pings.

“Oh, I’ve got to get going,” he says after glancing at the device. “We have a few hours where everyone can make it, so I hope we can manage to film at least one scene tonight before I have to go to work. Maybe two, if we’re lucky.”

“Do you need me to come?” Yuuri is always more than willing to help, especially since Phichit and most of their friends are shooting. Yuuri isn’t much of an actor, so he’s only really been a few background extra characters in Phichit’s college short films. His biggest role so far is a barista at a coffee shop with two lines, from back when the number of people in his and Phichit’s group of friends who could and/or liked to act was much smaller.

But he’s always had other stuff to help with, mostly behind the scenes work since he isn’t actually involved with anything specific to filmmaking. He’s always the first one Phichit shows his script drafts (Yuuri may not be an expert, but he likes to read and can give his honest opinion if nothing else), he works as a sounding board when Phichit is struggling with something (he thinks he’s a good listener) and then, when the filming is in progress, he tends to do what he can to make sure everyone is comfortable and everything runs smoothly. He’s the one who makes sure everyone gets something to eat (and cooks it too) and drink regularly. He runs errands when needed, and has a surprising talent for finding props in online sales. He likes to think he contributes a little, and he wants to be supportive of his best friend’s dream. Plus, he just plain enjoys hanging around with their friends on set and during filming. So he always offers to help.

“Not this time, I think,” Phichit says, already pulling on his coat and grabbing his other things. “We’re on a pretty tight schedule, and it’s just Guang-Hong and JJ for actors today, so I think it’ll be fine.”

“Well, I’ll make dinner anyways. You can tell them they can come over if anyone wants some. I’ll just freeze it if no one comes.” Yuuri really feels like cooking up a storm right now. His anxiety tends to lessen when he has something productive and tactile to do.

“Okay,” Phichit says, clearly ready to leave. He waves a cheerful goodbye, then steps out the door.

Yuuri sits back down at the dinner table with a sigh. He wonders what he should make tonight; he should probably go grocery shopping first if he’s going to be making a lot of food…

Before he can think about it further, his own phone chimes with a text from Viktor. It isn’t unusual; they normally don’t go much more than a day without talking in one form or another. Still, joy bubbles in Yuuri’s chest as he checks the message.

_From: Vitya_

_Wanna come over and cook for me and Y?_

Yuuri shakes his head fondly. Viktor may be a completely competent cook himself, but whenever Yuuri feels like cooking for more than one or two people, he tends to go over to Viktor’s and cook for him too. Plus, Viktor’s younger brother seems to prefer Yuuri’s cooking. Yuuri figures he might as well; maybe seeing Viktor in person will help sort out his confused thoughts.

_From: Me_

_I promised I’d cook enough for P’s crew. Is it ok if I just tell them to come to your place?_

_From: Vitya_

_Of course! I’ll buy the ingredients! What are you making?_

…

It takes Yuuri about half an hour to walk to Viktor’s apartment building. It’s located in the nicest part of the city, surrounded by sleek buildings and high end stores. Yuuri always feels a bit out of place here in his Walmart jeans and second-hand coat, but he’s mostly learned to ignore it after three years. The first time Viktor had invited Yuuri over, he’d been overwhelmed by it all, the apartment itself included, but now he associates it with the warmth and comfort of Christmas parties, movie nights, and the friendly dinners he cooks in Viktor’s kitchen.

Even the doorman at Viktor’s building recognizes him on sight by this point, and greets him with a polite, “Good evening, Mr. Katsuki, Mr. Nikiforov informed me you would be visiting.” Yuuri thanks him for opening the door before heading for the elevators.

Viktor doesn’t quite live in the penthouse, but his apartment is still roomy and beautifully decorated. Yuuri opens the door with the key Viktor had made for him a little over a year ago. He’d wanted Yuuri to have it so Yuuri could have access to Viktor’s apartment even before Viktor arrived. He works late often, after all, and since Yuuri likes to come over and make dinner for the two of them, why not give Yuuri full access to Viktor’s home? That way, Yuuri can have dinner ready for both of them by the time Viktor does come home. Yuuri had been touched, but had given himself a few dozen reality checks about how it absolutely didn’t mean anything his traitorous heart may have yearned for.

Makkachin greets him at the door right when Yuuri steps inside. Yuuri is quick to give him his share of scratches and pets, while Makkachin gives him sweet dog kisses. “Hey, Makkachin. Good boy.”

“Yurik!” Viktor steps around the corner to welcome him, and Yuuri loves the sight of him at home – just in his sweatpants and a dark low-collar shirt. It’s the most casual Viktor ever is, though Yuuri is pretty sure even his sweatpants are designer.

“Hey,” Yuuri says, standing up and taking off his outerwear. Viktor hurries over and takes his coat from him. “Did you get everything for dinner?”

“Of course, it’s all in the kitchen, just waiting for you.” Viktor smiles, gesturing towards the apartment beyond the entrance hall. Yuuri just smiles back at him, and steps further into the apartment. The entrance leads to the open concept living room, kitchen and dining area, which is to the left of the kitchen, separated by a breakfast bar. The bedrooms sit on the the opposite end of the apartment.

Lying on the couch like it’s a bed is Viktor’s brother, tall and slender, his long blond hair pulled back into a high ponytail. A few stray hairs have fallen loose to frame his high cheekbones and green eyes.

Yuuri smiles a bit, and waves. “Hi, Yura.”

“Hey,” Yuri Plisetsky greets, barely looking up from the book he’s reading, but raising his hand in acknowledgement. “You gonna start cooking or what? I was promised dinner, and I’m hungry.”

“Yura, don’t be rude, Yurik just got here.” Viktor scolds his younger brother, though he sounds more fond than anything. Yuuri knows Viktor’s been missing his brother a bit since the spring semester started for Yuri at college. Yuri’s been too busy with everything else to really visit his brother even though they live in the same city, so Yuuri is just happy Yuri’s finally found the time to come and see Viktor. Yuri does seem tired now that Yuuri looks at him; a bit thinner and paler than he looked when he last saw him at New Year’s. It makes him more determined to feed him — and anyone else who might be hungry tonight.

“That’s okay, Vitya, I should get started since I can’t be sure when someone else might show up,” Yuuri tells him and heads towards the kitchen.

“Then I’ll help you.”

Yuuri beams, because he always enjoys cooking, but he enjoys it even more with Viktor at his side.

They pull out Viktor’s biggest pot (perfect for occasions like this), and set to work on the beef chili Yuuri has planned for tonight. It’s cold today, and he knows at least some of the filming tonight will be shot outdoors, so he figures it’s good to cook something that will warm everyone up. Viktor starts washing the vegetables, while Yuuri cuts up the beef and warms up a pan to cook it in. After he’s done, he takes the onions from Viktor to chop them up. He hates this part of cooking the most, because he cries easily enough even without the help of onions. Still, it can’t be helped.

He wipes his face clean of the tears with the back of his hand before setting the meat and the onions on the pan. Viktor has turned to chop the vegetables.

“You didn’t go filming tonight with Phichit and the others?” Viktor says after a few moments of silence.

“No,” Yuuri says. “He said he didn’t need me there tonight. And frankly, I don’t want to be outside on a day like this anyway, if I can help it.”

Viktor chuckles, and it makes Yuuri feel all warm and soft inside. Like hot chocolate. “But you still agreed to cook for everyone.”

“I wanted to,” Yuuri says, honestly. “It’s…one of those days.”

“I see.” Viktor says. He’s silent for a moment. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Not really,” Yuuri says. “Just being here makes it a bit better. Having something to do, something else to think about…it tends to help.”

“Yeah.” Viktor says. “Can I just ask…is this about the reunion?”

Yuuri jumps, but only a little. It isn’t like he wasn’t expecting this conversation to come up. He just hopes Yuri isn’t eavesdropping. He’s grown from the 17-year-old kid Yuuri first met three years ago, but he’s still, by definition, a little brother. He, like everyone else who has seen Yuuri with Viktor, knows exactly how Yuuri feels about his friend and, Yuri being Viktor’s brother, takes special glee in teasing him about it. Especially when Viktor is there to hear.

“Yeah…a bit,” Yuuri says, making sure to keep his voice down. “There’s just a lot on my mind.”

Viktor’s eyes suddenly look a bit sad. “I’m sorry if I made things harder for you.” he says, and Yuuri can tell he means it. His heart hammers at the look on Viktor’s face. “I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to help.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Yuuri moves a bit closer to touch Viktor’s arm. He keeps his eyes on his. “It was nice of you to offer, really, I just…I’m just not sure what the right thing to do would be.” He sighs. “What about your career? What if someone recognizes you at the reunion? And they, I don’t know, tell the press or something?” Because, yes, there is that to be considered as well, when your good friend is an internationally famous model who has been posing for the cameras since he was fourteen.

“I don’t mind that. There is always gossip about me and my love affairs; I’m used to it by now.” Viktor pauses. “Will it bother _you_? I know you’re a much more private person…”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri says. “I mean…it would be kind of a bonus, to show up at the reunion with someone famous,” _and someone I idolized growing up_ , Yuuri thinks, but doesn’t say.

Viktor is also aware that Yuuri was his fan when he was younger. But after knowing Viktor personally for many years, it just feels silly to think about all of that; those days when Viktor was just a poster on Yuuri’s wall where he admired his beauty and daydreamed of him. Especially when the real Viktor is so much more — so much better — than the one in Yuuri’s posters.

“And it’s not like I have never been pictured with you.” Yuuri adds. That’s a downside in being friends with someone like Viktor: nearly everyone he knows has, at some point, been  the subject of speculation as a romantic partner, including Yuuri himself. Though that might actually work in their favor for the reunion. “I guess…I guess I’d be mostly fine with that, as long as everyone we know would know the truth.”

He can tell the beef is ready, so he adds the red pepper, garlic, oregano, and other spices, stirring it in the meantime.

“Then what’s holding you back?” Viktor queries gently. “I want to do this for you, Yuuri; I want to help you show how much better you are than all of those people who once made you feel so much less than. I…” Viktor pauses, averting his eyes. “I know how it feels, to be judged like that by someone, and how much you wish you could change their mind about you. If I can help you achieve that, then…”

Yuuri blinks, and his heart suddenly aches with sympathy, because of course Viktor understands how he feels. Viktor may be beautiful, amazing and perfect, but Yuuri has for a long time known he’s not without his own scars. There is a reason why Viktor’s apartment, so full of pictures of Viktor himself, Makkachin, Yuri, their mothers and their entire family, as well as Viktor’s friends – Yuuri included – has none of the man half responsible for his genes. Yuuri knows this is a sore spot for Viktor so to be reminded of the fact that Yuuri’s privy to this secret makes his chest swell with empathy and love.

He leaves the frying pan and steps over to wrap Viktor in a tight hug. It always feels too good and comfortable to hold Viktor and to be held by him in turn. Viktor may be slender and muscular, but he’s just right for Yuuri to hold, and his arms are strong and warm around him. Yuuri isn’t good with words, especially when he needs to comfort people, but at least he can offer this to Viktor when he’s vulnerable or sad. It helps Yuuri too, clearing his head and worries. When he’s in Viktor’s arms, he doesn’t have to think about anything else but the man he loves and how he can help him.

“Hey, lovebirds, stop randomly hugging already before the food burns!” Yuri says, his brash voice bursting Yuuri’s happy, warm, loving bubble. He can see Yuri’s wicked smirk from behind the breakfast bar, and quickly untangles himself from Viktor to check on the food. It doesn’t look burned, thankfully, so Yuuri just quickly pours in the red wine and sauce, and leaves it to boil for the moment.

But his thoughts are clear now. His mind is made up. How can he, after what just happened, refuse to take Viktor up on his offer? How can he say no to him? For better or for worse, Yuuri knows he’s not going back on this now.

“Okay,” he says, as he adds seasoning to his now-boiling stew.

“Okay?” Viktor asks.

“I’ll take you as my date. To the reunion.”

“Yurik!” Viktor gasps, and his face spreads into that huge smile Yuuri loves.

Then he leaps to hug Yuuri from behind.

“V-Vitya! Be careful, the food will spill!”

…

They wait for the stew to cook, sitting at the kitchen table talking about everything that has happened since they last saw each other. It’s always strange how much they seem to talk about when they honestly haven’t been apart for that long, but maybe it’s just because Viktor is so good at leading a conversation. Nothing ever feels forced with him, and Yuuri’s never bored. They don’t talk about the reunion anymore, with Yuri so close, but that’s more than fine with Yuuri. He doesn’t feel like thinking about it right now.

Yuri joins them to eat and talk when the stew is finally done. Yuuri has Yuri’s contact information, and vice versa, but they generally don’t talk much, so Yuuri doesn’t know much what is going on with him outside of what he hears from Viktor or sees on Yuri’s social media accounts.

“How’s school going, Yura? I understand you’ve been pretty busy.”

“Ugh, don’t even get me started,” Yuri groans into his bowl of stew. “I feel like I’ve been drowning in homework and practice time ever since I came back from the holidays. Not to mention my roommate got a girlfriend before Christmas, so I’m getting locked out of my room all the time. I never liked him all that much, but at least before this he didn’t bother me.”

“You could always just move here with me,” Viktor says.

“No thanks, I got enough of living with you when we were kids.”

“So mean, Yura!” Viktor covers his heart, as though stabbed by his brother’s words.

“You could try living in an apartment outside of campus though.” Yuuri puts in. “You wouldn’t have to stick to college students.”

“I probably will, honestly. I’ve been trying to look into places, but everyone looking for a roommate seems really gross.” He groans. “Ugh, I wish I had moved in with Mila when I had the chance. But now her girlfriend’s moved in and it’s too late.”

Yuuri winces in sympathy. He’s always considered himself extremely lucky that he was able to room through college and later with his best friend. Now more than ever, it seems like he dodged a bullet.

“Well, you can always come here when you need some peace.” Viktor says, smiling gently. “Even if you like Yurik’s cooking more than mine.”

“Hey, I’m always saying he should just move in here and cook for you all the time. It’s not like he’d mind.”

Yuuri blushes and is just about to say something to save face, but is saved by the literal (door)bell.

“Oh, that must be the others!” Viktor gets up with a glee to open the door.

Yuri smirks at Yuuri once he’s gone, shoving more food into his mouth. “You really should just marry him already.”

Yuuri’s blush deepens, but he doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing he really can say to make it better. Yuri will tease him anyway, and it’s not like Yuuri can make himself stop loving Viktor, or wanting things from him he shouldn’t want.

Thankfully, he’s distracted by everyone’s arrival, and Yuri gets a bit of what is coming to him since JJ has come with Guang-Hong and Leo for dinner. Still, it’s a good night filled with friends, food, and just a bit of alcohol; the whole apartment fills of conversation and laughter. Even Yuri seems to cheer up a little when Leo mentions that a guy he DJs with sometimes is looking for a roommate and gives Yuri his email.

Yuuri mostly hangs out with Phichit, catching up with him after not seeing each other for a few days before Phichit has to leave for work for the night. Phichit tells him about his job, how the filming today went — with Guang-Hong and JJ putting in the occasional comment — and a bit about how he and Seung-Gil have struggled to match their busy schedules lately. Last night had been a bit of an exception, and Yuuri blushes Phichit’s unsubtle hints about their “activities”. He tries not to think about how Phichit would be able to see more of his boyfriend if they lived together. Or about how Phichit would’ve moved in with him a long time ago if Yuuri could pay the rent for their apartment alone or find another roommate who gets him as well as Phichit. Just like he tries not to think about his given ‘yes’ to Viktor for the rest of the night.

He makes up his mind to stay away from alcohol that night. He knows if he starts drinking, he won’t stop, and nothing good ever comes out of that.

Eventually, everyone leaves, and on his way home Yuuri tries to make himself believe that everything will work out somehow, that this is a good thing, and he won’t regret it in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuri are technically stepbrothers, since their mothers are married, but Viktor has known Yuri since he was literally a fetus so he considers him his true brother even though they're not related by blood.


	3. i know i should go, but i want to stay here with you

A few days later, Yuuri feels like he may finally be ready to face reality head-on. He still hasn’t told anyone else about his decision, but he knows he needs to start thinking of it as something that’s actually happening. The reunion’s only getting closer and closer. He and Viktor need a plan.

_ From: Me _

_ We need to plan for the reunion. Do you have time soon? _

_ From: Vitya _

_ Come over at the end of the day. We’ll talk then. _

Apparently, Viktor is finished with his current shoot, so he has a bit more free time. Yuuri heads over to his apartment after work as promised. He squirms with guilt because he’s keeping this a secret from Yuuko, and she knows him well enough to tell he’s hiding something. He’s lucky he’s managed to mostly avoid her today and not be grilled. He promises himself he’ll tell her tomorrow, when everything has been settled.

Viktor greets him happily with a hug that makes Yuuri’s face heat up, even after all this time, and they quickly settle on the couch with some snacks and Makkachin.

“So,” Yuuri begins. “I feel like we need to make sure we’re on the same page before the reunion. Like, how are we going to tell them we met?”

Viktor blinks. “Won’t the real story suffice?”

“Vitya, the point of you going as my fake boyfriend is so I don’t look like a total loser in front of everybody I went to school with. I don’t think a story about how you found me drunk and crying in a park is going to help with that.” In Yuuri’s defence though, his dog had just died that day, and seeing a poodle that looked so much like Vicchan hadn’t exactly helped.

“You may be right,” Viktor admits.

Yuuri nods. “We also have to decide on other things. How long have been dating? How serious is our relationship? Are we planning a future? That sort of thing.”

“Right,” Viktor muses, touching his index finger to his lips. “You should probably choose the way we met. That way it won’t be embarrassing for you.”

“Let’s just go with simple and say we met through friends. It’s not totally impossible, since Chris and I took dance lessons from the same person, and our group frequents the same spots.”

“So Krysha got us together?”

“Yeah, let’s go with that.” Yuuri paused. “But maybe let’s just not…mention what kind of a dance class it was, if anyone asks.”

“Why not?” Viktor says, and looks genuinely confused, though Yuuri can detect a bit of mischief behind his innocent expression. “You look great on the pole.”

Yuuri hates that he can’t completely fight the blush blooming across his face and neck. “I don’t think my old schoolmates are going to see it like that.” When Viktor’s expression doesn’t change he adds, “Vitya,  _ don’t  _ bring it up. I mean it.”

“Fine, fine,” Viktor concedes. “What about the relationship? Have we settled into it? Or is there still a lot of spark?”

“Both,” Yuuri says, and can’t help the slight smirk that spreads on his lips. “People hate it when you rub in their faces how happy you are after so long, even if it’s not true.”

“Very good,” Viktor grins. “So, a few years, maybe?”

“We were friends for about a year, then started dating, and have been together for over two.”

“It drove Krysha crazy because he wanted us to get together from the start, and we took our sweet time.”

“We annoyed all our friends with our mutual pining.”

“Everyone sighed in relief when we finally got together.”

They pause. They look at each other then. Yuuri realizes he has probably been putting a bit too much truth into his statements. He does tend to drive his friends crazy by how in love he is with Viktor yet how afraid he is to do anything about it. He knows Viktor is just joking, but this isn’t doing anything to help his stupid feelings and heart, so he has to get out of this and change the subject fast.

He clears his throat. “Anyway…” he stammers , and then gulps before taking a deep breath. “We’re serious, then. What are our plans for the future?”

“I wanted to wait until we were engaged to move in together,” Viktor says. “But I am planning on proposing very soon, because I know you’re the one. I know I’ll never love anyone else. I can go around telling people about that when you’re not next to me.”

“…Okay,” Yuuri squeaks, his heart hammering in his ears. He has to clear his throat again. “How affectionate should we be? I mean, how far are you willing to go?”

Viktor shrugs, though his cheeks are tinged with pink. Yuuri finds that odd, because Viktor is thoroughly hard to embarrass, especially when it comes to showing affection. “How far are  _ you _ willing to go?”

Yuuri blushes as well and averts his eyes. He knew they would have to do some things to paint the picture of a convincing couple, not to mention one that would make everyone envious. But the thought also leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. This is why Yuuko hadn’t wanted him to do this. Because he loves Viktor, and the first and only kisses he would ever share with him would only be out of pity and friendship. It wouldn’t be real.

But Yuuri also can’t back out now, so he says, “We’ll give each other little kisses. That should be enough to make them jealous, but not enough for them to think we’re bragging or being inappropriate. We should probably hold hands and have our arms around each other a lot too.”

Viktor nods, and then both of them are quiet. Yuuri suddenly feels very tired and sad; weary in a way where he just wants to crawl into his bed with candy and tissues, and cry under his blankets until he feels better.

“All right,” Yuuri eventually says, trying his best to not show how upset he is. “I think that’s pretty much the important bits. Otherwise we can just draw from real life; we have pretty much the same friends, we’ve met each other’s families and so it shouldn’t be hard.”

“My moms wanted me to invite you over for Easter again, by the way,” Viktor says softly, as if just remembering it. Knowing him, he probably had.

“Thank them for me, I’ll see if I can make it.” Yuuri spent Easter with Viktor’s family last year too, and had a very enjoyable time even though he doesn’t personally celebrate the holiday, much less in the Orthodox fashion. There was plenty of food and alcohol to go around, and Yuuri liked Viktor’s moms Elena and Maria very much, as well as his grandfather Nikolai. Even Yuri behaved himself better with the rest of his family around, though he still put in a few quips when no one else was around to hear. “I should get home. I’m rather tired today.”

Viktor blinks. “Are you sure? You don’t have to go. We could order in and watch a movie or something.”

“Yeah, I should go. We can have a movie night over the weekend, maybe, if you’re not doing anything?”

“I’m not,” Viktor says, and there is something bitter about his tone. “Text me later?”

“Of course,” Yuuri says, getting up. Then he pauses. “Vitya…is everything okay with you? You…” he pauses. “If this is too much trouble for you, you don’t have to do it…”

“No, Yurik, no, it’s not that.” Viktor says, taking Yuuri’s hands and standing up himself. He doesn’t let go of Yuuri’s hands. “I’m happy to do this for you. I want to do this for you; otherwise I wouldn’t have offered. I just…” he hesitates, averting his eyes. “I guess I’m feeling a bit lonely, is all. It was nice when Yura was over, when it wasn’t just me living here. But he went back to his dorm, and now…”

“Vitya,” Yuuri gasps, and steps forward to hug his friend. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were feeling like this.” He leans back a little to look at Viktor’s face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Viktor shrugs. “I didn’t want to worry or bother you. You have your own problems.”

“Well, tell me next time. We’re friends, aren’t we Vitya? I want to be able to help you if there’s something going on with you, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me anything.” Yuuri sits back down on the couch, pulling Viktor with him. “I’ll stay. It’s okay. Let’s watch something fun to make ourselves feel better.”

“Are you sure? If you’re tired…”

“I’m sure. I want to do this for you,” Yuuri says, echoing Viktor’s words back to him. “Now, why don’t you choose a movie for us and I’ll call that Chinese place we both love.”

Viktor’s face spreads into a bright smile and Yuuri smiles back before taking out his phone. Viktor gets up, presumably to go browse his movie collection.

Just as Yuuri is choosing the number, he hears Viktor say, “Yurik?”

Yuuri looks up at his friend. “Yes?”

Viktor seems hesitant, his brows furrowed and his shoulders hunched in. He looks almost vulnerable and…afraid.

But in the end all he says is, “Make sure you get that deep fried chicken too.”

Yuuri smiles, but there is hesitation there. “Of course. Have I ever forgotten?”

Viktor’s answering smile appears a bit strained at the corners, before he heads off. Yuuri almost calls after him to ask again, to insist Viktor tell him what he was really going to say. Yuuri knows him after all. Viktor is hiding something.

But Yuuri has never been good at pushing people. All he can do is be here and hope Viktor will tell him when he’s ready. So he just calls their favorite Chinese restaurant and orders far too much food for them both. Including the deep fried chicken, naturally.

They have a good night, eating good food that is bad for them and watching fun things on Viktor’s TV. It also helps Yuuri to forget his own upset feelings. By the end of the night, he doesn’t want to leave at all.

…

The next few weeks pass in a normal, numbing blur. Nothing especially out of the ordinary happens. Yuuri goes to work, he comes home, he spends time with his friends, goes to his dance meets and cooks. He and Viktor don’t much talk about the upcoming reunion. They only bring it up once in awhile and it’s usually in regards to something practical about it. They agreed to stay with Yuuri’s family that weekend. It was the simplest arrangement and it would give Yuuri, and by proxy Viktor, a chance to visit them. Yuuri called his family to confirm this, though he hadn’t mentioned the fake boyfriend part; just that he was bringing Viktor along for moral support. They talked about dress codes and the fact that Viktor had to stop Yuuri from drinking at the reunion, because he will likely be feeling inclined to do just that.

Yuuri is able to, for the most part, forget about the whole reunion and fake boyfriend business. He pushes it to the back of his mind and refuses to ponder upon it in case he gets cold feet and wants to back out of it. He doesn’t want to talk about it more than was necessary, so he kind of forgets to tell anyone else about it. Or even about his decision to go through with Viktor’s suggestion to the people who already knew about it.

Yuuri should’ve known better than to think it could last.

They’re having a sleepover at his and Phichit’s apartment. Their entire group isn’t there, but rather the people who originally started out as helping Phichit make his movies, the not-so-little group they formed in college. It consists of Yuuri, Phichit, Seung-Gil, Leo, Guang-Hong, JJ and Isabella. Although their group has expanded to also include Chris, Louis and Viktor, it’s sometimes nice to hang out just with the old gang and remember where they started out and where they are now. It’s not really different to when Yuuri hangs out with Yuuko, Takeshi and Phichit, whom he has known the longest and went to highschool with.

They’ve already had dinner and are now all squeezed in the living room with snacks and a movie. They like to watch specifically bad movies to laugh at them and talk about how much better Phichit’s movies are. Today’s movie is  _ Ben and Arthur _ , and Yuuri is so embarrassed by how bad it is that he can’t help but laugh. He feels like if something like this was allowed to be made, maybe his life isn’t such a disaster after all, and maybe he isn’t as big of a mess of a human being than he thought. He’s had a bit too much of the wine JJ and Izzy brought over. Red wine always makes him giggly.

And mouthy.

“What, now he’s coming onto his brother?” Yuuri says towards the end. He’s been spouting commentary on the film for the better part of the past hour. He takes another sip of his wine. “Dude, I know you’re mourning and all, but have some standards.”

His friends laugh, and make a few affirming sounds and words. Yuuri finds his glass full. Huh. He could’ve sworn it was almost empty just a moment ago.

“Phichit, man, I’m so glad you’re like, making a gay love story with no death,” Yuuri mumbles into his glass as the credits roll. “I’ve seen myself die on screen so many times, guys, you don’t even know.”

He thinks Guang-Hong and Leo say something resembling, “You don’t have to tell us.” But then Phichit goes:

“Speaking of gay love stories,” he starts. “Have you decided what you’re going to do about Vitya’s offer to be your fake boyfriend to the reunion?”

And suddenly, Yuuri finds himself very sober, and bombarded with questions.

“Viktor offered to be your fake boyfriend?”

“Why do you even need a fake boyfriend?”

“When’s the reunion? I can do your makeup if you want to look really good.”

“What are you going to answer him?”

“Why didn’t you ask  _ me _ to be your fake boyfriend?”

“Guys, guys,” Yuuri fumbles, trying to string together the words in his head in a coherent manner. “Please. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Then why haven’t you mentioned this before? You usually tell us things like this, unless there is something that is deeply bothering you about it.” As usual, when Seung-Gil does speak, he kind of tends to hit the nail on the head, and Yuuri can’t help the wince that goes through his body.

“Yuuri,” Guang-Hong says. “You said no, right? Please tell me you said no.”

Yuuri can’t say that. He knows he’s a terrible liar. Not to mention that he doesn’t even want to lie to his friends. He knows deep down this occurrence was inevitable. He would’ve had to tell them sooner or later. It’s probably better it’s been taken out of his hands. Which may actually be the reason why Phichit brought it up; he’s always been the one to try and push Yuuri into the right direction, none-too-subtly. But Yuuri can’t bring himself to say the truth either and see the disappointment on everyone’s faces, so he just bites his lip, averts his eyes, and takes a big sip of his wine.

“Oh Godzilla,” Guang-Hong lets out, figuring out the answer by Yuuri’s silence, bringing his head to his hand with a sigh.

“Yuuri, are you sure this is a good idea?” Leo asks, ever the considerate one.

“No, I’m not,” Yuuri admits. “But it’s Viktor. I couldn’t refuse when he offered so nicely.”

“You could’ve just told him you’re taking me,” JJ cuts in. “I could’ve gone as your fake boyfriend, if you needed one. It doesn’t have to be the guy you’re hopelessly in love with.”

“JJ, I appreciate it, but even if I had thought about it at the time, most people know you’re married. Unless they’ve been living under rocks for the past few years.” Out of their entire group, it’s debatable who is more famous, JJ or Viktor; JJ for his music and Viktor for his modelling. Yuuri has always found it very sweet that despite his fame, JJ still finds the time to hang out with same the group of friends he made in college who came to watch him when all he was doing was play gigs in bars and coffee shops. 

JJ blinks. “I guess that’s true,” he says, pulling Isabella closer to him. “Still, you could’ve asked someone else. Why does it have to be Viktor?”

Yuuri shrugs, but also flushes. “He just offered. It’s not like I asked him to do it.”

“And aside from Yuuri’s hopeless infatuation, there are actual, legitimate reasons why he needs a fake boyfriend to go with to the reunion,” Phichit says, and Yuuri only now marks how he left the group for a while. He’s returned to the couch carrying a large book with leather covers. Yuuri blanches when he recognizes it.

“Phichit, don’t-!”

“Yuuri, they need to see this for themselves. Otherwise they won’t understand.” He opens the photo album. “Ah, look, our class photo from the ninth grade. That’s us right there.” He points to the middle row on the left side, as everyone gathers around him to take a look. “You see now?”

Yuuri wants to bury himself. He knows few school pictures are actually flattering, but he hates how much of a stereotypical nerd he looks in that photo. His hair is a mess and his old glasses look so ugly on him, and he’s wearing a sweater that’s way too big on him.

“Wow, that’s…a lot of white people,” Guang-Hong says.

“There were maybe ten people in total in that school who weren’t white when we went there. Yuuri and I were the only ones at our grade level.”

“You look really serious, Yuuri,” Isabella comments.

Yuuri sighs. “I still had braces back then. I hated that they showed when I smiled.” It took him a long time to break that habit, to smile and laugh without abandon or care what his teeth looked like. He takes a better look at the picture too. He’s surprised to find he actually doesn’t remember many of the faces or the names. Mostly just the ones who made his life especially miserable. He looks up at Phichit. “I forgot you had that stupid haircut back then.”

“Hey!” Phichit says, but he’s laughing.

“Hm,” Seung-Gil says, looking at the photo, and then at Phichit. “Don’t change your hairstyle, darling.”

“Not you too.” Phichit pouts, but gives his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek anyway.

“I get it now, though,” JJ says, and the look he gives Yuuri is uncomfortably sympathetic. “I’m sorry. It must not have been easy.”

Yuuri shrugs. “It’s over now. But still, the thought of seeing those people again as I am, just…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Yuuri, we understand,” Isabella says, and gets sounds of affirmation from everyone. “But JJ is right in that maybe it shouldn’t be Viktor.”

“Yeah, aren’t you just setting yourself up for heartbreak with that?” Leo says, his face confronted in worry.

“I wouldn’t even have thought about it if Vitya hadn’t brought it up,” Yuuri says. “He offered, and I felt bad turning him down, so I agreed. And I’m not sure if it’s a good idea at all, but it’s what I’m doing. And it’s not going to change anything. I’ve already been friends with Viktor for years regardless of what I might feel for him. It won’t be too different.” He doesn’t say he longs to at least have this much with Viktor, to at least know his touch and his kiss under a pretence, since he knows he won’t get it otherwise. “I’m fine, you guys, really.”

No one says anything for a while.

Then, surprisingly, it’s Seung-Gil who speaks, “It is ultimately your decision, and I’ll respect that. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but it’s yours and Viktor’s to make.”

Phichit beams. “That’s my boyfriend!” Seung-Gil smiles a little, but they also give each other one of those looks Yuuri has learned to decipher means they’re going to have a very long talk about this in private.

“Seung-Gil may be right,” Guang-Hong says. “But keep in mind Yuuri; it takes two to tango. Don’t forget to take Vitya’s feelings into account too. You’re both my friends and I don’t want to see either one of you get hurt.”

Yuuri nods, somewhat hesitantly, because how are Viktor’s feelings going to get hurt? He was the one who offered, and it’s not like he’s the one who has any real feelings involved. Maybe Guang-Hong is just worried Yuuri will push too far by accident and make Viktor uncomfortable? That must be it. Yuuri makes a mental note to stick to their agreed boundaries, and even ask if something is okay before he does it. He probably would’ve done it even without this mental note, but it doesn’t hurt to be extra sensitive to these things.

“So,” Isabella then says. “Tell us more about this reunion.”

The rest of the night is devoted to re-living highschool memories, which then turns to reminiscing about their college years. They drink a bit more and eat more snacks until everyone is too either tired or drunk to stay up. At least that’s what Yuuri assumes happened when he wakes up the next morning, sleeping on his back on their carpet in their living room. JJ is snoring above him on his stomach on their couch. Isabella is up there too, sleeping with her feet next to JJ’s head.

Yuuri’s own head is kind of fuzzy, and he doesn’t remember much of the end of last night. The last thing he remembers is how he and JJ were talking about the gig where they first met. That memory triggers another one, and Yuuri quickly checks himself under the blanket someone has generously put on him. Oh good, he’s still wearing his boxers and his undershirt. At least he didn’t get naked last night.

He slowly gets up to go the bathroom and clear his head. The others will wake up soon and at least a few will probably have hangovers and need something to eat to soak it up. It’s just him, Isabella and JJ in the common area so the other two couples are likely in the bedrooms. He just hopes Guang-Hong and Leo didn’t have sex in his bed. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Krysha is a diminutive for a Christophe-equivalent name in Russian. Louis is the name I tend to use for Chris' mystery boyfriend.


	4. what a beautiful mess this is

Yuuri spends most of his Sunday recovering from his hangover and sleeping. He’s glad that he had put his phone away before the start of the movie, and therefore didn’t drunk-text anyone anything embarrassing. Still, the cat about him and Viktor is now mostly out of the bag. Half asleep in his bed, warm under the covers, he muses he might as well let everyone he has been keeping it from know.

He tells Yuuko at work on Monday. She isn’t happy about it, and she makes a face where all she does is bite her lip and raise her eyebrows a little. She always has that expression when she’s disappointed, but is trying not to show it. It does make Yuuri regret his decision a bit, and he only barely manages to talk himself out of over-analyzing it. 

He’s not going to make excuses for himself for the sake of someone else. He’s a grown man who makes his own decisions. He doesn’t need anyone’s approval for what he does. He repeats this as a mantra in his head all through the awkward silence between him and Yuuko. He knows her well enough to know what she’s doing. She wants him to say something to betray his uncertainty and then she’ll offer advice for how to get out of a situation he wants to get out of. It has both helped him a lot and given him a lot of grief over the years, but at least now he can control when he cracks underneath her gaze. And this time, he is going to stand his ground.

Finally, she seems to realize this as well, sighing and saying, “I still think it’s a bad idea. But it’s none of my business, so I’ll stay out of it.”

Yuuri just nods. “Thank you. I’m not asking for anything more.”

During his break, Yuuri texts Viktor.

_ From: Me _

_ I’ve told basically everyone about the reunion now. _

Viktor answers really fast, which Yuuri isn’t expecting. Isn’t he at work?

_ From: Vitya _

_ :D. Wanna come over after work? We can talk more then. _

_ From: Me _

_ I’ve got therapy tho. Is it okay if I come after that? _

_ From: Vitya _

_ Ofc! As long as youre okay :O. _

_ From: Me _

_ I’ll let you know if I’m too drained. Otherwise I’ll be there after six? _

_ From: Vitya _

_ :D:D:D! I’ll make you dinner! _

Yuuri has to get back to work, but in the back of his mind, he’s still wondering how Viktor will be up for making them dinner when usually his day runs longer than Yuuri’s and he’s often exhausted afterwards.

He forgets the thought as the day goes on, especially when he teaches the kid class to skate. This is his favorite part of his job, but also the most exhausting, because his students can be very young and rowdy. It’s a task in itself to get them to behave and stay still long enough to teach them. Thankfully, Yuuri’s been doing that for years, and has his methods to make them behave. Usually performing a few tricks for them is enough. So today as well. 

This is as close as Yuuri can get in his current job to what he studied for in college, so he always feels the most fulfilled when he can teach. This is what he wants to do, what he worked so hard for. If only he would be allowed to do it outside of an ice rink.

Still, he leaves his job that day feeling happy and tired in a good way. 

After work, he bikes to his therapy session. But although he knows has to see his therapist today, he really doesn’t feel like going. He knows therapy is good for him, and it’s helped him through a lot of things, but he can’t help the way he feels like he’s going there to be judged like a piece of meat. The sessions are always better than he expects them to be, and he tends to leave with his head clearer and emotions more in check, but going to them never seems to get any easier.

This time though, Yuuri knows there are things his therapist could judge him for and he wouldn’t even blame him if he did. He knows he’s not making smart choices right now, but they are his choices, and he doesn’t want to back out of them. He can’t, even. Doing that would only cause more trouble than it’s worth. He’s kind of backed into a corner with this.

“Hello, Yuuri,” his therapist, Celestino, greets him when he arrives, and they shake hands like normal. It makes breathing a bit easier for Yuuri, because it’s routine. Routine he can do, routine helps him function. It makes him feel like he has some semblance of control in life. “How have you been since we last spoke? It’s been a while.”

It’s true. Yuuri doesn’t need therapy as often as he once did. Nowadays he only goes only about once a month, and books extra appointments only out of necessity. He can also easily reach Celestino by phone should he need quick counselling at certain times. He’s learned to mostly deal with his issues on his own.

“I’ve been fine…” Yuuri mumbles, but then catches himself. This is what he says to other people when he doesn’t want to worry them, something he sometimes just tells himself so that he can believe it and keep functioning. But this is his therapist, and he needs to be honest if he really wants his help. “Actually, no, that’s not true. For the first part of the month I was doing no worse than usual, but the past few weeks have been…”

“Would you like to tell me about it?” Celestino asks.

Yuuri does, and comes out with everything on his heart that moment. About the reunion, about his own inadequacies in life, and about Viktor and his offer. How he’s accepted that offer, and how that makes him feel. He speaks for about fifteen minutes, and even manages to not break down crying before he’s finished. He sniffles for another few minutes, grateful that there are always tissues available at the room where these sessions take place. He blows his nose and wipes his eyes once he’s done crying.

“I understand why this has been difficult for you, especially given how we’ve talked how much your high school years affected your self-esteem in the past as well,” Celestino says once Yuuri’s done, and it feels good to hear that. He always feels validated when Celestino says things like that. “However, as your therapist, I am required to ask: are you sure this is the right way to go on about everything? It certainly seems like you’re plenty conflicted about it yourself.”

Yuuri clears his throat, sniffles a little, and then says, “I don’t know.” It’s all he can really say, if he wants to be honest. “It is true that I’m conflicted. I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. It may be. Honestly, it probably isn’t. But I’ve already said yes. How can I go back on that?”

“Viktor is your friend. I’m sure he would understand if you changed your mind.”

“Yeah, but I would feel like I’d have to explain to him why, then. And I’m not exactly keen on doing that.”

Celestino gets that look on his face that tells him he wants to sigh but is refraining. It doesn’t make Yuuri feel better to see him refrain. It just makes him feel like he’s disappointed him.

“Yuuri,” Celestino says. “We’ve talked about this a lot, which is a given seeing as Viktor has been and continues to be such a big part of your life. And it is ultimately your own choice what you decide to do about him. But don’t you think it would make you feel better if you just told him how you feel? Isn’t it about time?”

Yuuri hunches his shoulders. He wants to shrink himself and become as small as possible. To protect himself. “I can’t,” he says. “I would just make things awkward, and I don’t want to lose Viktor as a friend. This is already more than I ever could’ve hoped or dreamed.”

“Are you certain he won’t feel the same way? No, listen,” Celestino says, before Yuuri can even open his mouth. “I know you’ve struggled with confidence for a long time, Yuuri. But I think you’ve made a lot of progress in realizing your own worth as well over the years. So why does it feel like such a leap to think that Viktor could love you back? You’ve said it yourself that he’s no longer just the idol in a poster on your wall. He’s a real person who is also your friend, and therefore likes you as a person. Why is it so hard for you to believe he could love you as you love him?”

Yuuri bites his lip, picks at his nails, averts his eyes. He wishes he could find the right words to answer that question, but they elude him. He knows rationally that there is really nothing that is stopping Viktor from loving him in theory. But he also knows that Viktor just can’t. He doesn’t really have the words to explain why he knows that in his bones.

“I just don’t think he does,” Yuuri eventually says. “And I don’t think…I don’t think it would work out, even if we got together.”

“Why do you think that? You work well as friends.”

“Because good things like that don’t just happen to people, let alone me,” Yuuri blurts out. “I’ve only had one real boyfriend, and he was only using me to get back at his ex. Viktor is someone who I’ve looked up to since childhood. It would be ridiculous to think he could want me. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen in real life.”

“Neither does meeting and befriending your idols, most of the time.”

“Yeah, well, maybe that’s why it can’t happen. I’ve already used up my quota of good things relating to idols by getting to be friends with Vitya.”

Celestino gets that pinched look on his face again. They are quiet for a moment.

“All right,” he finally says. “Why don’t we talk a bit more about this fake relationship then.”

They do, for a while, and Yuuri explains his own feelings of longing for Viktor and at the same time being afraid that it’s going to be weird. They then talk a bit more about the reunion and how it’s making Yuuri feel, and how he can prepare for the event now that he’s decided to go.

“Although I, too, would like for you to work on not caring so much about what those people may think of you, I also understand the need for closure,” Celestino says. “So, what I suggest is that you work on simply appearing confident at the reunion. We’ve talked about faking it until you make it before, and the same principle applies here. Remember, those people can’t see inside your head. All you need to do is put up a believable front for them, and you can walk out of there feeling like a winner.”

Yuuri nods. He can do that. He may not star in Phichit’s films, but over the years he’s become the master of faking it until you make it. It does actually tend to help, sometimes, because over time he’s even stated to believe in himself through the fake confident persona a bit more. He just wishes he could fake it until he could get through a job interview better.

They talk about that for the last few minutes, about Yuuri’s place in life and what he can do about it. Specifically, his constant hunt for work.

“Have you ever considered applying anywhere out of state? I think there would be much better opportunities for you there,” Celestino says.

Yuuri swallows. It’s the question he’s been anticipating, dreading, from everyone for years. He’s not ready to answer it. He chews on his lip. His heart stammers in his chest, and cold sweats run through his back. His breathing gets heavy.

“Breathe, Yuuri,” Celestino says. “Our session is almost over for today. If you don’t want to answer that right now, you don’t have to. But I’d like for you to think about it, all right?”

Yuuri nods subconsciously, and spends the last few minutes of the session talking about more everyday things to calm down. He leaves the center with a blank head, but adrenaline still running through his veins. He still feels a bit like he wants to cry, or bury himself in bed, or…

Though he is drained and weary, he can’t imagine anything better to do tonight than just eat dinner with Viktor and talk to him about his day, and then listen to Viktor talk about his own. Yuuri knows well thinking that makes him sound like a lovesick fool, but…well, he is one.

So, he finds his way over to Viktor’s apartment, and, indeed, the apartment is full of delicious smells; of grease cooking and spices. It actually smells kind of familiar. Weirdly familiar.

“Honey, I’m home!” Yuuri calls out, meaning it as a joke. He immediately regrets saying that, because what if Viktor takes it the wrong way? When will Yuuri learn to keep his mouth shut at the right times? In any case, the biggest joke of all is him.

At last Makkachin runs over to him to greet him with barks and licks. Yuuri crouches to pet him enthusiastically, taking some comfort in the dog’s warmth. He is reminded of how it felt to be greeted like this by Vicchan after bad days at school. He suddenly misses his dog horribly, and vaguely feels like crying.    


“Yurik, hey–” Viktor appears at the hallway as well, but as Yuuri looks up at his face, the wide grin there immediately fades away to a look of concern. “Are you alright?” Viktor asks softly, taking slow steps towards Yuuri and Makkachin. He crouches by them as well, and puts his hand on Yuuri’s shoulder blade. His hand feels big and warm, and it grounds Yuuri.

“Yeah,” Yuuri mumbles, a bit tearfully. “I’m just a bit emotional I guess. Kinda tired.”

“Do you just want to go home? I’m sorry if I pressured you into coming here…”

“No!” Yuuri hurriedly cries. Maybe a bit too enthusiastically. “I really wanted to come! I…” he blushes, averts his eyes slightly, but he’s always been honest with Viktor. It’s been easier with him in some ways, because the first time they met Yuuri already made a fool of himself. The only thing Yuuri hasn’t told Viktor is that he’s in love with him, but he thinks that is something he is allowed to keep for himself, no matter what anyone has to say. “I can’t imagine a better way of spending a day than with you.”

Viktor’s beautiful eyes widen and seem to sparkle; his cheeks flush pink, and Yuuri can’t seem to stop looking at him. His heart drums in his chest, and he can’t put into words how much he wishes to kiss Viktor. His eyes dart between Viktor’s eyes and his lips, the way both are soft-looking and shining. Yuuri knows Viktor moisturizes well, and that includes his lips. They must be so soft…

It is Viktor who breaks this strange staring contest. He removes his hand from Yuuri’s back and offers it over to him instead. “Let’s go eat. It’ll make you feel better, I’m sure.”

Yuuri nods, and puts his hand in Viktor’s, allowing himself to be pulled up. Viktor’s hand is still warm to touch, and Yuuri kind of doesn’t want to let go. But he can’t just keep holding onto Viktor’s hand either, so he forces himself to pull away.

Makkachin presses against his leg, and Yuuri strokes him down before the three of them head to Viktor’s dining table. It’s already been set with bowls, glasses and, Yuuri is surprised to see, chopsticks. There are fresh flowers on the table too, bright and cheerful. Yuuri immediately feels better.

He feels better even further when he realizes what is being served to him in the bowls. He looks over at Viktor in shock.

“You made us katsudon?” he can’t help that his voice squeaks a little. It’s been so long since he’s had his favorite dish. He usually doesn’t have the time to cook it, or can’t be bothered to make it when he has to cook for so many people. It makes him gain weight anyway, so Yuuri usually abstains from eating it unless he’s visiting his parents. His mother makes it the best anyway; their small hotel is famous for it.

Viktor smiles widely. “I felt like spoiling you a little. I know how draining therapy can be for you, so I figured you could use a treat. It gave me something to do as well.”

Normally, Yuuri might have paid more attention to that last bit, adding it to earlier hints that Viktor hasn’t had much to do today. But right now, he’s emotional and grateful and so full of love for Viktor that all he can think about is how Viktor made him katsudon because he wanted to spoil Yuuri, and how much Yuuri cares for him and how much he just wants to kiss Viktor right now.

And, because Yuuri is an impulsive idiot who doesn’t think and tends to go with his gut far more than he perhaps should, he steps over to Viktor, and does just that. Grabs his shirt and pulls him down and everything.

It’s…well, honestly, it’s kind of clumsy. Yuuri’s not a virgin to the degree that he’s never kissed anyone, but he can definitely count the people he’s kissed with one hand. The number gets even smaller when counting people he’s kissed sober rather than tipsy at frat parties in college. And Viktor is clearly surprised, so for a minute it’s just Yuuri kissing his gaping mouth while Viktor stands still like a statue. Still, there are sparks flying behind Yuuri’s eyelids, because he’s wanted to do this, to feel this for so long and Viktor’s lips really are so soft and moist and he tastes like mint and smells like apples and flowers, and…

And then, Viktor is taking a hold of the back of his head, and his waist, and starts kissing him back. And it’s so good. Yuuri keeps his hand in Viktor’s shirt, but lets the fingers of his other hand run through the soft strands of Viktor’s hair. He and Viktor fit against each other so well, almost like puzzle pieces. Viktor feels so warm and solid against him, his hands strong but tender where they hold him. He kisses in a way that makes Yuuri feel like he’s the only man in the world, like he’s got Viktor’s entire attention on him. Their mouths are already pretty open while they’re kissing, so they move onto tongues fairly fast. Yuuri chases that minty tinge in Viktor’s mouth, determined to taste and feel every part of him. He wants to always be able to remember this, to never forget the way it felt to touch Viktor like this. He wants to consume all of it.

That thought, of all of them, is what finally drags Yuuri back to earth. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? He wasn’t supposed to let Viktor know how he feels. Now everything will be weird. Is Viktor just taking pity on him, kissing him like this? Or maybe he was just surprised, and reacted with instinct? Viktor hasn’t been with anyone for a while; perhaps he just has been longing to be touched. So much that it doesn’t matter who does the touching.

But Yuuri can’t let this continue any longer. He can’t be here in Viktor’s arms like this, touching him like this, when it doesn’t mean anything. But what will he say? Friends don’t just randomly kiss each other like this, do they?

Yuuri finds his answer soon enough. He knows what he should say. It’s no different from what they were going to be doing soon enough anyway.

He begins to pull back. He is still reluctant about it, and it’s harder than he ever could’ve imagined. He gets it now, better than ever, why Yuuko was so worried. He’s honestly getting a bit worried himself. But he’s made his bed. Now he must lie in it.

He pulls back gently, not wanting to startle Viktor. He can’t quite bring himself to let go of Viktor completely, but he makes sure there is a bit of breathing air between them before he runs his fingers through his own hair and attempts a confident smile. He can’t quite bring himself to look straight at Viktor. He’s feeling far too humiliated for that, though he’s trying his hardest to hide it.

“How is that for a practice?” Yuuri says, and attempts a smirk.

He sees Viktor blink when he glances up. “Practice?” His voice is strangely quiet.

Yuuri attempts a smile. “I thought it might be better if we get more comfortable with kissing each other before the reunion, since it’s gonna have to look natural. Like we do it all the time. It was probably a good thing I did it, too, since you froze so badly at the start.”

Viktor blinks once. Then twice. Then a few times in a row.

Then, he barks out a laugh. “Oh, so that’s what it was! I really was quite surprised, I didn’t expect that at all! Maybe it  _ was _ a good thing you did it so suddenly!”

Now it’s Yuuri’s turn to blink. Because Viktor is smiling, but Yuuri also knows him well enough to tell when the smile is fake — a front to hide Viktor’s real feelings. It always looks much more strained at the corners when he does that. And this is definitely Viktor’s fake smile.

“Vitya,” he starts, now feeling more ashamed than ever. He looks down at his feet, not being able to look directly at Viktor and his fake smile. “I’m sorry I did that. I should’ve…should’ve asked you first. I shouldn’t have assumed. And I should’ve stopped when you didn’t kiss back at first.” He wants to say that he just couldn’t hold back because Viktor is so wonderful and amazing, but he’s already dug himself far too deep to do that. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. It was really stupid and awful of me.”

Viktor doesn’t say anything for a while. But he also doesn’t let go of Yuuri, so Yuuri figures he can’t be too angry. Still, he’s just about to offer to leave after all, when Viktor says:

“It’s all right, Yuuri. I’m not angry,” he says quietly. “Just warn me next time, okay?”

“Okay…” Yuuri mumbles. “…Maybe we should just eat now?”

“Yes,” Viktor says. “Let’s.”

But the dinner is awkward and awful. They barely speak, can hardly even look at each other. Yuuri had been looking forward to this night so much, and now he’s ruined it. He’s ruined everything. He has no appetite, even though it’s his favorite. He can barely taste anything, really. He just wants to get out of here as soon as he can.

And that’s exactly what he does, so soon as he’s done eating. He makes some feeble  excuse about promising to help Phichit with his script which he had completely forgotten. Viktor lets him go without a fight. Yuuri doesn’t blame him. Viktor must be feeling awkward as well.

“Bye, Vitya,” Yuuri murmurs at the door. Makkachin is there as well, and seems reluctant to let him go. Yuuri’s glad at least one of the residents of this apartment will miss him. “I’ll…I’ll call you later?”

“Yeah, okay,” Viktor says, and it sounds so cold that Yuuri has to hurry out of there.

He somehow manages to hold back tears until he makes it home. Phichit is there, for once, looking through the scenes he’s filmed on his laptop.

Right when he sees Yuuri, his face grows into a concerned frown. “Yuuri, what…?”

Yuuri can’t even say anything. Not now. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants to cry. So he throws himself at his best friend, and does just that. Phichit doesn’t ask him any more questions that night. He just lets him cry, makes soothing noises and then when Yuuri is done, makes sure he drinks water and all but tucks him into bed.

Yuuri is too exhausted to think more, thankfully, and lets himself fall into a dreamless sleep.


	5. i feel like if i’m too kind then you will only change your mind

Yuuri wakes up the next morning at what he quickly realizes is a pretty late hour. His first clue is that his room is full of light and it’s confirmed when he looks at his alarm clock. 9:17.

“Gah!” Yuuri gasps, practically falling over himself and getting tangled in his sheets as he tries to hurry up. He is so late for work. He can’t lose his job too. Then he will really have nothing to show for any of his years after high school. How could this have happened?

As if to answer that question, the door to his room opens, revealing Phichit. “Morning,” he says. “Don’t worry about work, I called in and told Yuuko you were sick. I figured you could use some rest and a day to yourself.”

Yuuri immediately relaxes, breathing out a huge sigh of relief. Phichit has a point there too. Yuuri rarely takes sick days, but when he does, it’s usually because his mental health is starting to decline and he feels he might benefit from some peace and quiet, or when his anxiety already is bad and he can’t make himself get out there and face the world. He knows that with the state he’s in now, he will definitely benefit from a mental health day.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, untangling himself from his sheets and getting up. Phichit approaches him, so Yuuri sits down on the bed. His best friend sits next to him.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Phichit asks softly.

And Yuuri tells him everything that happened, what he did, how Viktor reacted. He can barely hold back the tears, his eyes burning and his voice cracking here and there, but the tears only began to fall once he is done, silent and soft. His overwhelming sobs from last night have turned into quiet and sorrowful resignation. He knows Viktor must hate him now— and he can’t blame him. He must have figured out how Yuuri feels and finds it awkward to be around him now. And Yuuri’s heart is breaking. He thought he was content with just getting to have Viktor as his friend. But apparently the years of silently loving Viktor on a low simmer had just somehow burst through, until he could no longer hold his feelings inside.

And now he won’t even have Viktor as a friend anymore.

God, why did he have to be so  _ stupid _ ?

At times like this, Yuuri expects that his best friend would be there for him. That he’d say comforting words that may not mean much, but he’d then try and do his best to make Yuuri feel better, to forget everything, even if only for a while. They’d probably watch movies and cry into their ice cream.

But perhaps Yuuri should’ve remembered his best friend is Phichit Chulanont. And although it is true that if Phichit sees no other solution to Yuuri’s problems than hugs and ice cream, he will provide them; Phichit is also a very determined type of person. Yuuri is fairly sure that is the reason he has gotten so far in life. He is smart and resourceful, and he also knows Yuuri very well; possibly better than anyone. He knows how to push him, how to make him do the things he knows Yuuri wants but is too scared to reach for. He is the guy who took Yuuri to their high school prom, the one who dragged him into frat parties when Yuuri had just barely been out of the closet enough to consider seeing someone, made sure Yuuri made it clear to his first-ever make-out buddy that he wasn’t really into anything more than kissing with him. He always finds ways to make Yuuri realize what he needs or wants to do.

This time is no exception.

And so, instead of a hug and sympathetic words, when Yuuri is done with his story and tears, all Phichit does is sigh.

“Yuuri,” he says, eyes and tone serious. “No offence, but you were being kinda cruel to Vitya there.”

Yuuri blinks. “Me? Cruel? Wh-what?”

“Well, how would you feel if the situations were reversed? If Vitya suddenly grabbed you and kissed you and then told you it meant nothing?”

Yuuri gulps. He can barely dare to think of that. The mere thought feels like it’s creating cracks in his already broken heart.

“But…” Yuuri mumbles. “Vitya isn’t in love with me.”

“And how do you know that?” Phichit says. “You’ve never even asked him. You’ve just assumed you know how he feels. And from what you said, it seemed he was pretty into kissing you. I don’t think he was at all offended you wanted to kiss him. It sounds like he was just hurt because you tried to play it off as something it wasn’t; as something you hadn’t actually wanted. I think that’s what made things awkward, not the kiss itself.”

Yuuri can’t say anything. He keeps repeating everything that happened last night over and over in his head. Could Phichit be right? But…there is just no way. Men like Viktor Nikiforov do not fall for men like Yuuri Katsuki. That’s just the way things work.

Phichit sighs again. “Look, Yuuri,” he says, putting a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder, and bringing their eyes to meet. “You know I love you. You’re my best friend, and I get how you think most of the time. But that also means I know you pretty well. And I know you tend to get lost inside your own head, and that when you assume you know what people think and feel you tend to assume the worst. Because you think you’re unworthy of their love. Which, for the record, is so far from true I sometimes find it incredulous as to why you think that must be the case.” Yuuri opens his mouth to argue, put Phichit puts up a hand to silence him. “I know it’s your anxiety working against you, but you know as well as I do that you can’t use that as an excuse to hurt people. And I think you’ve hurt Vitya.”

Yuuri bites his lip, averting his eyes. He clenches his hands, cutting into his palm with his fingernails. “What should I do then?”

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

Yuuri does know. There is only one thing he really can do. He needs to make amends to Viktor, and to be truthful with him. He needs to apologize and explain himself. And that means telling Viktor how he feels about him, and why he acted the way he did last night; why he said what he said. He owes Viktor at least an explanation, if for nothing else then their friendship.

Phichit smiles softly at him, patting his shoulder. “I gotta go run some errands, and then I’m going filming. You can have some space to think about what you’re going to do. My cell is on if you need me.”

Yuuri only vaguely realizes himself nodding, curling up on his side in his bed as he lets his mind wander and tries to calm himself down.

…

Yuuri eventually manages to get out of bed long enough to wash his face and eat something. He doesn’t feel like doing anything else or facing the world, so he snuggles under his covers, and watches Netflix on his phone. It doesn’t completely work, but it is a sufficient enough distraction from everything running through his mind.

Yuuri knows he has to talk to Viktor. He knows. It’s the only way anything can move forward. But Yuuri is also afraid. So long as he doesn’t talk to Viktor, he can keep pretending everything can maybe be salvaged. That they can go back to the way things were. That he won’t have to tell Viktor how he feels, and Viktor will understand and accept him and they can still be friends. Everything could be easy again.

But…what if Phichit is right? What if Viktor does have feelings for him as well? Wouldn’t that only make things better between them, if Yuuri could finally have the man of his dreams?

But the truth is, even if Yuuri dares to cautiously hope for that, even that thought in itself is scary. Because in all honesty, Yuuri has never been anyone’s real boyfriend, not in any meaningful way. He doesn’t have any real experience in how to date someone, or how to properly love someone. Viktor is the only man he’s ever been in love with and he’s kept that a secret from him for over three years. How will he be able to turn that into a real relationship? If Yuuri really thinks about it, the fear of rejection isn’t the only reason he’s held back on telling Viktor how he feels. He’s also been afraid of what might happen if Viktor feels the same way. What if it doesn’t work out and he’d end up losing Viktor? Yuuri can’t imagine anything worse.

But right now, he knows he’s in danger of losing Viktor anyway, if he doesn’t talk to him.

These are the circles his mind keeps running in.

He keeps watching Netflix for a while longer. Then an idea occurs to him. He isn’t sure where it came from, exactly, but once it’s there, he knows it’s exactly what he needs to do right now. Maybe it’s the knowledge that this is the oldest source of advice for him, and one that has rarely failed him. Maybe it’s the memory of katsudon from last night. Maybe it’s the knowledge that these people would have been so in the middle of his fake relationship with Viktor, if it had ever taken place.

Either way, Yuuri gets up, opens his laptop and Skype-calls his family.

The line rings for a while, before Yuuri hears his father’s voice speak in Japanese. “Yuu-chan? Is that you?”

“Yeah. Hi Dad,” Yuuri mumbles in the same language. His father turns on the camera at his end, and Yuuri feels a little better seeing that familiar face. “How are things?”

“Oh, you know, much of the same. Everything is well. We’re excited for you and Vicchan to come.” Yuuri can’t hold back a wince. His father pauses at his end. “Yuu-chan, is everything alright? You don’t usually call out of the blue like this. And you seem…sad.”

Yuuri lets out a short laugh. It’s always equally bizarre to him to see how well his parents can read him. “Dad, I…” he averts his eyes, trying to think of the right words to say. He doesn’t really want to go into as much detail as he has with Phichit, because he can’t bear the shame it would give to his parents. But he knows he has to say something. There is a reason he called, after all. And somehow, what comes out is, “Dad, do you think I’ve been living it safe?”

Yuuri isn’t sure where that came from. But somehow, it doesn’t feel like the wrong thing to say. No, it feels like the exact right thing to say.

His father blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Just…” Yuuri sighs, adjusting his glasses. “Minako-sensei used to say I could’ve made it as a dancer. But I never entered even a single competition to prove that. I loved ice skating as a kid, but I didn’t bother to go any further than weekend practice with it because the rink was so far away. I got a teaching degree, but I can’t get any work with it because I don’t want to leave the city I live in now, let alone the state. I’m twenty-six years old and I still live an hour away from where I grew up. Do you…do you think I’ve been cowardly? That I haven’t taken enough chances in life and that’s why…” 

_ That’s why I have so little to show for myself _ , he wants to say, but remains silent.

His father doesn’t say anything for a while. Just purses his lips in thought, seeming to think it over.

Then, he folds his hands in front of himself, and says, “You know, Yuu-chan,” he begins. “I wasn’t that much younger than you are now when I first came to this country with your mother.”

“Yeah, you’ve told me,” Yuuri says, not sure where this is going.

“But I don’t think I’ve told you that I was actually a lot like you when I was at that age.” Yuuri blinks. His quiet, unassuming father who goes at his own pace but is never afraid to talk to customers or people? “It is true,” his father affirms, seeing the look on Yuuri’s face. “I was very quiet and shy through my teens and into my early adulthood. I had trouble making connections to people. I didn’t really have any real friends, and I wasn’t close to my family either.” 

He smiles a little wistfully. “Then I met your mother. She worked part-time at the onsen my family owned, so I started seeing her around more. We knew each other a little seeing as Hasetsu was such a small town; everyone knew everyone there, by face if by nothing else. I had very strong feelings for her, but I didn’t dare to approach her, both because of my shyness and because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or put her in an awkward position as her boss’ son. It was up to her to make the first move, which to my fortune, she took.

“Still, as we grew closer and I began to think of marriage, because I knew I would never love another as I loved her, there was the issue of what we should do if we got married. My older brother stood to inherit the business, and my family wouldn’t have much money to spare for me. That’s where the idea of coming to the U.S. started, and in the end we went ahead and did it. Your mother’s family had some money saved for her future, and I had some savings of my own, and we were able to use that money to get started with our lives here. Minako was also a bigger help than I can ever tell you, especially in the beginning. We’ve made our lives, our family and our home here.”

“Dad, I’m sorry, but is there a point to this?” Yuuri asks, confused.

“I’m getting to that, Yuu-chan,” his father says, amused. “What I mean by this is that I had no trouble leaving behind everything I had known in my previous life. I didn’t have any real ties to where I had grown up. All I needed was your mother, and she was coming with me. I wasn’t afraid when she was with me, and leaving with her just felt like the start of our very own adventure, the real beginning of our lives together.” He looks up in a way that made Yuuri feel like his father was looking straight into his soul through his eyes on the screen. “But that’s different for you, isn’t it?” Yuuri bites his lip.

“Yuu-chan, you have your whole life here. Your friends, your family…you’re in a different position than I was. It was easy for me to leave everything behind, but it would not be like that for you. Of course, if that is what you chose to do, we would support you, but…” he sighs. “I would like for you to think very carefully about whether or not it would be worth it. You’d be leaving behind everything and everyone you know, and for what? A job? You may not have the job you want, but you do have a job that you like, and you’re not starving. Life is all about making choices, Yuu-chan, and those choices tend to come down to what is most important to us. And I think the fact that you’ve stayed where you are this long says a lot about what is important to you.”

Yuuri hesitates for a bit, chewing on his lip and picking at his nails. But he knows there will never be a right time to ask or say this. He might as well go ahead and do it now that the topic is up. “…But am I not a disappointment to you and Mom? You guys worked so hard so I could go to college…”

“Yuu-chan,” his father says, now gently smiling, although there is a sad tinge to it. “There are very few things you could do that would make us disappointed in you. Making choices based on what will make you happier is not one of them; we worked so hard for you to be able to make yourself any type of life you want to have, and we will continue supporting you in that.” He pauses, and takes a look at Yuuri. “Though right now you don’t seem exactly happy.”

Yuuri’s eyes begin to burn. He was already feeling emotional before, but now his feelings are waves upon waves inside of him. “Dad, I…I really messed up. I don’t know what to do.”

His father is silent for a moment. Then, he says, in a soft tone, “Yuu-chan, you asked me if you should have taken more risks in your life. I can’t answer that for you, because it is your life and not mine, and you have to be the one to make the choices about which risks to take. But let me just say this: if you don’t take any risks, you will never gain anything either. And some things are worth taking a chance on.”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything for a while. A few stray tears slip from his eyes down his cheeks. He lets them fall for a while, before wiping them on his sleeve.

“I…I have to go do something now, Dad.” He pauses. “Could you...could you light an incense at Vicchan’s shrine for me? I’ve been missing him a lot lately…”

“Of course, Yuu-chan. And good luck,” his father smiles gently. 

Yuuri smiles in turn. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll call you later, okay?” His father gives him a final smile and a wave, which Yuuri returns before he logging out of Skype.

Then, he takes his phone out.

_ To: Vitya _

_ I’m sorry. I want to explain. Can I see you? _

It takes a few excruciating minutes, but eventually the familiar sound of barking alerts him to Viktor’s reply.

_ From: Vitya _

_ Okay. Come over. _

Yuuri hurries to his feet, changes his clothes, and practically runs out of the door. Come what may, this is something he is willing to take a chance on. If Viktor isn’t worth it, what in the world is?


	6. if you hold me close, you gotta hold me up

Viktor opens the door to his apartment for Yuuri, and the first thing Yuuri notices is how cold Viktor looks. Usually whenever they see each other, Viktor is smiling, laughing, and joking. Even when he’s not, there is always affectionate warmth in his eyes that Yuuri has come to know and love. Now, Viktor’s eyes look almost frozen, like the crystal parts of the coldest ice in the poles of the earth. His expression is otherwise neutral – no frown, no smile – but Yuuri has known him long enough to know his eyes always reveal what he’s really feeling.

Yuuri almost wants to cry, wants to beg Viktor to forgive him. But he won’t. He can’t expect Viktor’s forgiveness, or even understanding. He’s messed up, he knows that. All he can do is explain himself and say how sorry he is if he ever hurt Viktor. That is the last thing he’s ever wanted to do, but it seems it’s happened anyway. Yuuri can only hope he can ease some of Viktor’s pain, even if it may not do much to heal his own.

“Come in,” is all Viktor says, before heading into the living room. Yuuri quickly shucks his coat and shoes, and follows. Viktor is sitting on his couch. Makkachin is nowhere to be seen, which is weird in of itself. Yuuri’s heart hammers in his chest, his throat closes up. All the words he wants to say are running wild inside his head, and he can’t put them in their right places. What can he say that will ever make anything okay ever again? How will this even help? He was stupid to come here…

“Sit,” Viktor says, breaking Yuuri’s rambling mind up. His hand is on the couch cushion next to him.

Yuuri finds himself nodding almost robotically. He can sit. That is something he can do. It’s simple, he can manage that much at least. Having something to do will clear his mind.

He sits, but he keeps his distance from Viktor, leaving a full cushion between the two of them when normally they lean comfortably against each other on this very same couch as they munch on snacks and laugh at funny movies. Everything about this is different from the way it normally is between them. What Yuuri loves perhaps most about Viktor is that he can be completely at ease with him. He’s learned he doesn’t have to pretend with Viktor. He can just be himself; he can be both anxious and insecure and worried, but also joking, sassy and playful. He can be neither of those, and just be quiet and comfortable. The only other person Yuuri feels he’s had that kind of a connection with is Phichit, and he’s known Phichit for ten years and lived with him for eight. With Viktor, the comfort came fast and it’s remained there.

It’s never been awkward like this between them, and Yuuri hates that he’s made it that way.

Eventually, Viktor speaks, “Are you going to explain or not?”

His voice is so cold and hateful. Yuuri thinks he might cry for real this time. But the words are also a catalyst for him to start talking, and as soon as he opens his mouth, it feels like the words are pouring out of him.

“Vitya,” he starts, but immediately stops. He feels like he has no right to the diminutive. “Viktor. I…I want to start off by just saying how sorry I am. I think…I think I hurt you more than I ever realized I could with what I did, and if that’s the case, I want you to know that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I never want to see you in any sort of pain, and the thought that I may have made you hurt is…” he sighs. “I don’t know if anything I tell you will make this right. It might only make everything worse. If you never want to see me again after this, I’ll understand. But…you deserve an explanation. And this is the only way I can think of to even try and make things right. I may succeed, I may not, but…” he looks up into Viktor’s eyes. To his relief and surprise, they’ve regained some of their warmth. There is something twinkling in secret behind them. Something like hope. “You’re worth the risk.”

“Yurik…” Viktor murmurs, his tone quiet. Yuuri’s heart is filled with warmth from the familiar diminutive, and it gives him the courage to continue.

“Vitya,” he says, addressing Viktor in the familiar way. “I’m not sure I could explain to you why I kissed you. Or, rather, why I kissed you just then. I think I was just tired of everything. Of pretending, of acting like I didn’t want to do that every time I was with you. If I made you uncomfortable, I apologize. I know it came out of nowhere, and I didn’t give you a chance to tell me how you felt about it, but…” he takes in a breath. He wants to take Viktor’s hand, but he’s not sure that would be welcomed. “I never should’ve made you think the kiss didn’t mean anything. That’s probably the worst lie I’ve ever told anyone. The kiss…it meant everything.”

Viktor’s eyes widen just a fraction, and there is more sparkle in them, now more visible. “Then, why…?”

“Because I was afraid,” Yuuri says. That question he can at least answer. “Afraid you may not feel what I feel, afraid that you do. What would happen in each scenario, going forward. Our friendship…it’s been one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I don’t think a day goes by when I’m not grateful you’re in my life, Vitya. I was…I was afraid of losing that, of changing things. So when I let my control slip, and allowed myself a moment to imagine something more…it was just safer to try and lie myself out of anything more.”

“How…” Viktor murmurs, his voice unbelievably soft. Yuuri can now see the sparkles in his eyes are not just there, but are starting to spill out as well. Viktor’s crying. “How do you…feel about me…then?”

Yuuri takes a breath. It’s time to take the plunge. There is no going back now. “I’m in love with you, Vitya, and I have been for so long.”

No one says anything for a while. Yuuri can’t tell how much time passes, even though he could easily count it by his heartbeats by how loudly it’s thrumming. Viktor seems frozen. He just keeps staring at Yuuri, his eyes blown wide in shock. Yuuri knows the feeling. He himself feels stuck in place. He feels like the only things that are moving are his heart and his lungs. He wants so badly to get his legs to move, to run away and leave all of this behind and hide. But he can barely make himself breathe, let alone move. All he can do is sit here in agony, like he’s been nailed in the spot, while he waits for Viktor’s judgement.

It comes in the form of tears.

“V-Vitya?” Yuuri manages to say as tears begin to fall down Viktor’s sculpted, pale cheeks. Viktor still doesn’t say anything. All he does is cover his mouth with his hand as more tears fall down. Even when he’s crying, he’s almost ethereally beautiful, and Yuuri hates him a little for it. Right now, seeing that only reminds him of what he’s lost, and each falling tear is like a knife to his heart. A sharp icicle falling down on his fragile emotions.

He kind of wants to cry himself, can feel the tears burning in his eyes. But he swallows, tries to gather up the last threads of his dignity, and leave before Viktor can see how shattered he is.

“I’m sorry, Viktor,” he says, starting to stand up. “I hope someday, you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I wish you well.”

“What?” Viktor murmurs, his voice soft. “Yurik, where are you going?”

“Home,” Yuuri mumbles. Isn’t it supposed to be obvious?

“Now?” Viktor asks, sounding as if the idea is incredibly ridiculous and outlandish.

Yuuri can’t believe Viktor is making him say this. “Well, I’ve said what I came here to say, and you obviously don’t want me here, so…”

“Yurik!” Viktor gasps, and now he’s standing too, approaching Yuuri. He grabs Yuuri’s hand, forcing Yuuri to look at him. “What makes you think I don’t want you here?”

Yuuri blinks. “Viktor,” he says. “I just told you I loved you, and  _ it made you cry _ .” How can Viktor, the person who knows him so well, be so confused by this? And how can he just not understand what the situation here is?

“Yurik,” Viktor lets out, almost like a sigh. “I’m not crying because I’m disgusted or angry. I’m crying because I’m feeling too much to keep it in. I’m just so  _ happy _ .”

Yuuri blinks again. All that escapes him is a very quiet, “What?”

He barely notices when Viktor guides him by the hand back to the couch. This time, the distance between the two of them is much smaller. Their knees are touching. Viktor doesn’t let go of his hand.

“Yurik,” Viktor says, his voice much firmer this time. “How can you even think I would feel anything other than joy, when I love you so much? Do you know how long I’ve been hoping you might feel the same? I would have been content to just be your friend, just so I could be in your life, but…” he lets out a small sob, and a few more tears fall from his beautiful eyes. “This…this is all I ever could’ve dreamed of. All I’ve ever wanted to hear you say.”

Yuuri can’t stop blinking. He’s frozen again. He can’t find the words to speak. His brain seems to have combusted and ceased to work. All he can do is look and listen to Viktor.

“B-but…” he just about manages. “Vitya, you…how can you…you’re not…” he takes a breath, trying to get his thoughts in order. “You can’t be in love with me.”

Now it’s Viktor’s turn to blink. “How can you say that?”

“Because, you’re…” Yuuri tries to make his point by vaguely gesturing to the whole being of Viktor. “You’re Viktor Nikiforov, the world-famous model. You’re beautiful and amazing and wonderful, and everyone loves you, and I’m…”

“And you’re Yuuri Katsuki,” Viktor says, and his tone is firmer than Yuuri expects. “You’re kind and supportive and caring. You enjoy cooking food for the people you love, and always do your best to support them at everything they do. You love dogs, and especially poodles. Herbal tea calms you down, but you always want it super sweet, because you have a horrible sweet tooth. You love to dance and skate, and you want to become an English teacher. A lot of people have been cruel to you down the line, but you’ve never let them take away your kindness. You’re beautiful and amazing and I hate that you just can’t ever seem to realize that about yourself, when everything about you is so perfect and wonderful. Yurik,” he takes a breath, and looks Yuuri right in the eye. “How could I  _ not  _ love you?”

“B-but,” Yuuri stammers, his face now flaming red. “I’m…I’m just a skating instructor with way too much anxiety and packing too many pounds, who can’t even find a job in the field I’m qualified in. I still live with a roommate. You’re…” he sighs. “You’re a real adult Vitya, with a real job and a good apartment and…”

“Yurik,” Viktor interrupts him, his face suddenly tense. “I haven’t had a proper modelling gig in weeks.”

It’s as if all the air as been sucked out of the room by that one sentence. Yuuri can hardly believe he’s said it, that he’s heard it. He’s expecting Viktor to come out and laugh, say that it was a joke to lighten the mood, but Viktor looks dead serious.

“Wh-what?” Yuuri croaks. “H-how is that possible? You’re…you’re Viktor Nikiforov!”

“Exactly,” Viktor says. “I’ve been modelling half my life. Everybody knows who I am by now. And there comes a point where that is no longer good for the business; it’s just predictable. I’m getting older too, I can’t represent everything as well as I could before.” He sighs. “Honestly, a part of it is that I, too, have been growing weary of modelling. That, too, has become predictable. I barely find anything I like about doing that anymore. I’ve just been going through the motions with it, and people have been able to tell. They don’t want some aging wash-up who doesn’t want to be there in the first place; they want fresh, new talent who do.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri murmurs, taking a hold of Viktor’s free hand with his own. “Why haven’t you said anything?”

Viktor shrugs. “Denial, I guess. I felt like saying it out loud would make it more real. I wasn’t ready to face it yet, and then…”

Then they’d stopped speaking to each other. Still, this explains more than a few things Yuuri has been wondering about. Why Viktor seemed to suddenly have so much free time, what he’s been trying to tell Yuuri before changing his mind. Yuuri feels awful. He should’ve been there for Viktor, found a way to help him through this. Instead, he’s been selfish and so caught up in his own problems he’d barely noticed Viktor wasn’t being his usual self.

“I’m so sorry, Vitya,” he says. “Is…is there anything I can do? Are…are you okay, financially?”

“I have savings, and the college fund my Moms and I have put aside for Yura will be enough to support him until he graduates. I just…I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do going forward. Modelling has been all I’ve ever known, and now…”

Yuuri’s heard enough, and does the only thing he can think of that might help him right now, leaning over to pull Viktor into a hug. He hugs back, and Yuuri can feel Viktor clinging to the back of his shirt.

“We’ll figure it out. We will, Vitya.” Yuuri may not know how, but he also knows he won’t let Viktor face this alone anymore. No matter what, he’s going to do better from now on. He’ll get Viktor through this, even if it’s the last thing he does. “Anything you need, I’m here.”

Viktor leans back from the embrace so he and Yuuri can face each other. “Then…just be...mine. If you meant what you said.”

“I meant it,” Yuuri says. He can’t lie about that anymore. “But, Vitya…what if it all goes wrong? What if we end up losing our friendship over this, if it doesn’t work out?” He still wants to say there is no way he deserves Viktor, but he doesn’t think that would be well-received right now.

“Yurik,” Viktor sighs, shaking his head a little in exasperation. “I can’t promise you that won’t happen. But the fact also is that we’ve been friends for three years, and every day I get to see you is brighter for it. I don’t want anyone else but you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and I don’t think I ever will, either. No matter what, I don’t want us to hold back anymore. A lot about my life is uncertain right now, but…this is the one thing I am certain of.” He leans forward, pressing his forehead against Yuuri’s. “You said I was worth the risk. You’re worth that to me, too. And I want to take that risk with you.”

“Vitya...” Yuuri breathes. Tears are surging into his eyes again, and this time he doesn’t hold them in. He lets them fall down, soft and quiet. “Yes. Yes.”

And just like that, Viktor’s face spreads into a huge, beaming smile.

“Yurik!” He yells, and tackles Yuuri into a hug on the couch, forceful enough to make him fall onto his back, Viktor on top of him. “I love you! I’ll make you happy, I promise!”

“I love you too,” Yuuri murmurs, wrapping his arms around Viktor. More tears fall, but he’s also beginning to smile so wide his face hurts. “I love you so much, Vitya.” It feels good to say it, to be allowed to release those words he’s been holding inside for so long. It feels like he’s been set free after being caged for years.

Viktor leans up and out of the embrace, his hands braced on either side of Yuuri. There is a bit of a mischievous smile on his face.

“Yurik,” he says, and smirks. “Don’t think I’ve forgiven you over the fact that our first kiss was passed off as practice.”

Yuuri smiles, because he can tell Viktor is only joking. He’s so happy he feels he could burst. If Viktor is teasing him again like normal, it means he’s accomplished something here. Everything can go back to normal now.

No, not normal. Even better.

“Oh?” he says, running his hands up Viktor’s back, until they reach the back of his neck and head, his fingers running through Viktor’s smooth, soft hair. “What can I do to make it better, then, Vitya?”

“Well…” Viktor says, and his eyes twinkle. His smile is softer, now. Yuuri thinks it looks almost loving. “You could give me another, better kiss for one.”

“Then just come down here,” Yuuri says, and Viktor lets him pull himself down to let their lips meet.

It’s much better this time than that one, awful kiss, for one because there is no need to hold back this time. Yuuri lets himself pour out everything he feels for Viktor into the way he kisses, the way he holds Viktor. He runs his fingers through Viktor’s hair, caresses the back of his neck, strokes down his back. He teases his mouth with his tongue, tastes every corner of him and sucks on Viktor’s tongue in turn. When Viktor caresses him in turn, chases after his tongue and sighs at Yuuri’s touches, Yuuri makes sounds of his own to let Viktor know how much he likes it. Viktor is still warm and firm against him, and Yuuri loves the feel and the smell of him.

Yuuri’s not sure how long they’ve been making out like teenagers on Viktor’s couch, when he comes to the realization that he’s hard against Viktor’s leg. And, if he’s not mistaken, those are not Viktor’s keys or wallet pressing against his thigh either.

And suddenly, Yuuri’s mind that had been so quiet and fuddled with happiness and warmth kicks into overdrive again.

What is he supposed to do in a situation like this? He’s hard, Viktor’s hard, they’re making out. Viktor had been Yuuri’s biggest wet dream growing up, and even more so once he got to know and fell in love with him. He’s fairly certain Viktor is the love of his life. Shouldn’t that mean Yuuri would want to take him to bed more than anything right now, since they’re finally together?

But the fact of the matter is, Yuuri is a virgin. The furthest he’s ever gone with anyone else was a blowjob he gave at a frat party once, and it wasn’t even reciprocated for him. Another fact is that Viktor is definitely not a virgin. Over the course of their friendship, Viktor has made clear which of his relationships have been real and which have just been media gossip. He hasn’t had nearly as many love affairs as has been speculated by those who see him as a playboy, but the number hasn’t been nonexistent either. Viktor’s been in the spotlight since he was young, and travelled all around the world for a long time with limited parental supervision. He’s beautiful and confident and famous. There is no way he’s a virgin.

And the idea that Yuuri might let him down if they have sex horrifies him.

Viktor seems to notice him stiffen, because he pulls back from kissing Yuuri with a confused and concerned look on his face. His hair is attractively disheveled. Yuuri kind of loves that look, loves knowing he did that.

“Yurik? Is everything okay?”

“I, um…” Yuuri blushes, averting his eyes. How can he talk his way out of this? “I…that is…”

Viktor suddenly sits up properly, and helps Yuuri sit too. “Yurik, breathe. It’s all right.”

Yuuri takes a few deep breaths. He’s still blushing, but his arousal has definitely gone down. He feels like he’s been doused by cold water.

“I…I just…” he murmurs, trying to remind himself that this is Viktor. He may be Yuuri’s boyfriend now, but he’s also one of Yuuri’s dearest friends. Yuuri can be honest with him without judgement. “I…I’m not sure I’m ready to…to...” He averts his eyes every which way, humiliation washing over him like a wave. He’s sure his face resembles a fire engine by this point.

“Yurik,” Viktor says, and his voice is kind. “Look at me.”

Yuuri does, if reluctantly and slowly. Viktor’s eyes are affectionate. And Yuuri really does love his mess of a hair.

“It’s okay to be nervous,” Viktor says. “We don’t have to take this further now. Honestly, I would actually prefer to take you out on a date at least before that. This is all very new. We don’t have to jump into it head-first. We have plenty of time.”

“Y-you’re sure?”

“Yes, of course,” Viktor says. His tone is firm, but gentle. “But don’t ever be afraid to tell me what you’re feeling. I don’t want to push you into anything, especially now. I know I can be pushy sometimes.”

“Yeah, a little,” Yuuri admits, but he smiles. “But I like that about you. You…you give me the courage to do new things, too, the way you are.” He turns, and pulls Viktor into his arms. “That’s why I know you’ll find a new path in your life, without a doubt, too.”

Viktor’s arms wrap around him. Yuuri kisses the side of his head, strokes his hair gently down.

“…Stay the night?” Viktor murmurs. “Just to sleep?”

“Yes,” Yuuri breathes. “Of course I will.”

He’ll stay with Viktor as long as he’s allowed, he thinks, and holds his new boyfriend a bit tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilogue to go!


	7. all the loose ends would surround me again in the shape of your face

“So, how did the two of you meet?”

“Well–”

“Actually, I was at a pretty low point in my life when we met. I’d broken up with my boyfriend about a week before and just found out my dog had died. So I got drunk and ended up crying in the park. Viktor was out there that night, walking his dog, who smelled me and approached me. He looked a lot like my dog, so I started hugging him and crying on him. The dog, that is, not Viktor.” Yuuri says, sipping a glass of cheap champagne. “Anyway, Vitya somehow managed to find out where I lived and helped me home. He even came to check up on me the next morning. The rest is, as they say, history.”

“I…see,” Melissa Archer, who has slightly less color in her hair, but even more piercings than she did in high school, says. Then, she smiles. “Good for you, Yuuri.”

“I know,” Yuuri smiles back, leaning against Viktor. Viktor wraps an arm around him and kisses the top of his head.

It’s been about a month since he and Viktor got together, and so far everything has been absolutely wonderful. Yuuri found, to his surprise and joy, that dating Viktor isn’t much different than being friends with Viktor. The only real differences are that Yuuri is now free to be open about what he feels, and that what their relationship includes a lot more physical contact. Other than that, it’s pretty much the same. They still see each other (but were now free to call these occasions dates), have movie nights and sleepovers (which now usually include some form of sexual activity), and also hang out together with their other friends (but Yuuri at least feels freer knowing he and Viktor are no longer the only single people in their group).

Their friends were obviously overjoyed that the two of them ‘finally’, in the words of everyone, got their shit together and also got themselves together. There were so many hugs, congratulations, and teasing when they told their group about their updated relationship status. The reaction was pretty much the same when they told their families. They both already know everyone in each other’s lives, and just about everyone likes the idea of them together, so there had been much happiness to go around. Viktor’s mothers told them they’re now looking forward to Yuuri coming over for Easter more than ever, as their new son-in-law. Yuuri blushed, but he has to admit that he’s looking forward to it too. His family for their part greeted Viktor in kind earlier when they arrived at the hotel Yuuri grew up calling home. It’s been a revelation to realize how easily he and Viktor fit in each other’s lives; how simple it’s been to be boyfriends instead of just friends. How much acceptance and support for them being that there is in their lives.

Yuuri hadn’t thought it possible, but he’s falling even deeper in love with Viktor with each passing day, now that he’s finally allowed to show that love and be shown it in turn. He still gets insecure sometimes and overthinks things, but thankfully Viktor has been dealing with that part of him for years. He usually knows what to say to make Yuuri’s mind go quieter, if not completely silent. For the most part, Yuuri tries to live in the moment, and not let himself get scared of the future. No matter what happens, he tells himself, he wants to be with Viktor for as long as he can. Even if it does fall apart, he wants to have as many good memories as he possibly can with him.

That is partly why they’ve come to Yuuri’s highschool reunion after all. One part of it is just that Yuuri had already answered the invite as a ‘yes,’ but the other is that now Yuuri actually has something to brag about—his very real, very handsome, very wonderful boyfriend.

Boyfriend. Yuuri wonders if he will ever stop feeling giddy at that word being associated with Viktor.

Melissa leaves them with a polite smile, her wife calling her at the side. And hadn’t  _ that _ been a surprise. Yuuri supposes the dyed hair and the piercings in high school should’ve been a hint.

“You told her the truth,” Viktor marvels as she goes. “I thought you were going to use the story we came up with!”

“Honestly, I barely even care anymore.” Yuuri says, and smiles softly at his boyfriend. “I have you for real now. What does it matter how we met, or what these people think about me, about us? All I care about is you.”

“Oh, Yurik,” Viktor sighs, then leans down to peck his lips.

“Man, Katsuki,” Annie Lewis, who used to copy Yuuri’s homework and then spread around nasty rumors about him says. “I always knew you were gay, but tone it down a notch.”

“Well, maybe if you had kissed your actual husband instead of your secret lover in public, you wouldn’t be divorced right now,” Yuuri shoots back, surprising himself almost as much as he surprises her. Her face, paler and more wrinkled now than it was in high school, turns an angry shade of purple. Still, she can’t seem to come up with a good comeback, and just marches off.

“Go, Yuuri!” Phichit cheers, approaching him and Viktor with Seung-Gil at his side.

“Well, you’re the one who dug up dirt on everyone before we got here,” Yuuri says. It wouldn’t be right to leave Phichit without any credit in this.

“True, but I’m not sure even I could’ve come up with a line like that so fast,” Phichit grins, and, as if to show his alliance to Yuuri, gives his own boyfriend a kiss on the cheek. “How’s it going, anyway?”

Yuuri shrugs. “Some people have changed. Some have not. For a few it has been an improvement.”

“Yeah, pretty much the same for me,” Phichit says. “Willie Johnson went into art, can you believe it?” Yuuri remembers the long-haired, thin boy that basically every girl in their class had a crush on. And a few of the boys, too. “And Julie Wilkins, she’s been through some tough times apparently. But she’s better now, and in culinary school.” Yuuri remembers Julie as the quiet, detached goth girl dressed all in black who was great at home economics, but skipped class a lot and didn’t seem to have any actual friends. She was never cruel to him, but he had been too busy with his own insecurities and issues to really notice hers. It’s only in hindsight that he’s realized she must’ve been very troubled even then. He’s glad she’s on her way to better things though.

“You seen Henry?” He asks. Henry had been the unofficial leader of the group of bigger boys who had given Yuuri a hard time.

“Didn’t show up, apparently,” Phichit says, and conspicuously leans forward to whisper. “But I heard from Caleb that he’s in rehab.”

Strangely, Yuuri doesn’t feel as good about hearing that than he thought he would. He can’t say that all the gay jokes Henry made hadn’t made it harder for him to come in terms with his own identity. But he also remembers the way Henry tended to jump on other boys’ backs, hug them, take the jokes a bit too far sometimes. Occasionally when they’d pretend-kissed with other boys, playing it up as something disgusting, Henry had looked like he wouldn’t have minded taking it further than it actually went, when the other boys pulled away. Yuuri also remembers rumors about Henry’s difficult home life, and abusive father. And hearing Henry hasn’t been able to get away from his demons in one way or another, all Yuuri feels is pity.

He doesn’t say this, but by the look Viktor gives him, he seems to know what Yuuri is thinking anyway.

“What about you? Who have you run into?” Phichit asks.

“Well, apparently, Melissa Archer came out as a lesbian in college and is now married to a woman.”

“Huh,” Phichit says, sipping his glass. “Good for her.”

Yuuri smiles. Melissa hadn’t been his friend, but she hadn’t been someone he’d hated either. She never asked him for anything, and never gave him any trouble. They just stayed in their own circles. Now, Yuuri kind of wishes they had gotten to know each other better back then.

“Annie Lewis you already saw. Hasn’t changed much.” He muses. “Apparently, though, Laura Epperly married young and has, like, five children. Did you know she comes from a religious family?”

“I didn’t, actually. She doesn’t have a Facebook. Though I guess that’s why. And it does explain a few things.” Like the fact that despite being one of the popular girls, Laura never wore make-up, didn’t dye her hair, didn’t have piercings and even dressed rather simply.

“Oh, and Mike Waters is apparently a lawyer now.”

Phichit snorts. “Should’ve known. He was always the smartest boy in class.” It’s true. The only thing that Yuuri suspects prevented Mike from becoming one of the losers were his fair boyish looks and the fact he’d been friends with the popular boys since elementary school. Not to mention that aside from academics, Mike was also athletic and a part of the baseball team. The perfect, all-American boy with his blond hair and blue eyes.

“Hey, Phichit!” A voice comes from the side. Yuuri is fairly sure the guy he sees approaching is Tony Hastings, though he apparently finally got a growth-spurt sometime in the ten years since Yuuri last saw him. He’s much taller than the tiny thing who managed to avoid bullying only by becoming the class clown. He’s got dark curly hair and green eyes. He looks really good, honestly. “I was hoping I’d find you. Could I have a word?”

“Uh…sure, Tony,” Phichit says, a bit taken aback.

“Let’s go get some air,” Viktor suggests, an offer Yuuri is only too ready to accept.

They find their way out of Yuuri’s old high school and to the little patch of grass and trees where he and Phichit used to run off to to have lunch. It’s still a bit chilly in the April night air, but Yuuri takes this as an excuse to get closer to Viktor to share some of their body heat.

“So,” Viktor says, as they lean against the tree and each other at the same time. “How has this reunion been working for you, so far?”

Yuuri shrugs. “It’s…different than I expected I guess. I thought I’d be more vengeful, but I’m actually…not. Some of them are assholes still, but I barely care.”

Viktor smiles. “I think you’ve found your way of letting go, then,” he says. “You’re not that scared kid stuck in the isolated suburbs anymore.”

“No, I’m not,” Yuuri agrees. “It feels good to realize that.”

Viktor kisses him gently. “I’m proud of you, Yurik.”

“I love you, Vitya.”

They kiss for a few moments out there, before they hear Phichit calling out for them. When they turn to look, he is running towards them with a huge grin on his face.

“You guys will never believe it!” He shouts, and can’t seem to stop smiling even less than he usually does. “Apparently Tony’s wife is some sort of business guru; they’re basically loaded. And she and Tony have both been watching my films, they’re my fans! And guess what?” Before they can guess, Phichit shouts, “They want to finance a movie for me to direct!”

Now Yuuri is grinning too, and he pulls away from Viktor to hug his best friend. “Phichit, that’s incredible!”

“All my dreams are coming true, Yuuri!” Phichit cries. “Now I can finally make  _ The King and the Skater _ ! That is, if they let me. But Tony told me I would be given a free reign, so…”

Yuuri feels like crying, he’s so happy for Phichit.  _ The King and the Skater  _ is the passion project he and Leo have been working on since their college days. It’s a love story between two men set in an alternative universe that is highly inspired by Thailand in the 19 th century, as well as a musical. Phichit has always said he wants to make it into an actual movie once he could get a real budget for it. And now, he finally can.

“God,” Phichit mumbles, and Yuuri sees he’s crying too. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I know,” Yuuri says. “But don’t agree into anything tonight. Remember to be cautious, and have lawyers talk this over with them. We don’t want you to be taken advantage of.”

“I know, I know, Seung-Gil already told me the same thing.” Phichit says. Then blinks. “Oh, I left him alone with them. I should go save him before he does something weird.” He waves at them over his shoulder, rushing back indoors.

Yuuri returns to his own boyfriend, and they share smiles.

“He deserves this so much,” Yuuri murmurs.

“Yes, he does,” Viktor says. They sit in silence for a moment. Yuuri may be imagining it, but it feels like Viktor is a little tense. He’s not surprised when Viktor says, “Yuuri, there is something I’d like to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“Let’s…let’s sit down,” Viktor says, and leads them over to the lunch tables not too far away. They sit on a tiny bench on one side. They only barely fit, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. “Yuuri, I love you. You know this. I am serious about us. I realize what I’m about to ask you is coming very fast, and you can definitely say no, but…we’ve known each other for over three years and I’ve loved you for so long and I don’t want to waste any more time, and…”

“Vitya,” Yuuri says. “What is it?”

Viktor takes a deep breath. “Do you think Phichit will stay around for his new movie?”

Yuuri freezes. He hadn’t thought about that. Now that he is, he realizes Phichit likely won’t stay here much longer. If he really wants to make  _ The King and the Skater _ , he will need to travel; get better crew, better sets, better environment. Opportunities he so far hasn’t had, and can’t have where they live now. And that means…

“Vitya,” he says. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying it probably won’t happen immediately. Phichit will want to finish his current project first at least. But after…” he takes Yuuri’s hands into his. “He’ll be gone for long periods of time, I imagine. And you’ll be without a roommate.”

“Vitya…”

“I’d like for you to move in with me, when that happens,” Viktor blurts out. “You already sleep over so often, and have so many things at my place. It won’t be that big of a transition. I miss you when you’re gone, and the apartment is so big and lonely when it’s just me.” He sighs. “I’m just telling you how I feel, but I totally understand if you–”

“Yes,” Yuuri says.

“What?”

“Yes, I want to move in. Not immediately, but…if this ends up happening for real…”

Viktor’s eyes grow wide. “What? You want to? Are you serious?”

“Vitya,” Yuuri says. “I want to be with you. And you’re right. I think we know each other well enough to tell if it would work, even if we haven’t been dating for very long. I don’t want to waste any more time.”

“Yurik…!” Viktor gasps, and leans forward with force to envelop Yuuri in a tight hug. “I love you, Yurik! I can’t wait to live with you!”

Yuuri smiles widely into Viktor’s shoulder. “I can’t either, Vitya.”

They stay there hugging for a few more moments, before it inevitably starts to get too chilly.

“C’mon,” Yuuri says, getting up from the bench, but still holding Viktor’s hand. “Let’s go get the rest of tonight over with.”

Viktor pulls his hand to his mouth, and places a kiss on it. “Lead the way.”

They return with their arms wrapped around each other. Yuuri feels untouchable. No matter what happens, tonight he’s so full of happiness he knows he can’t be knocked down by anything.

He’s finally right where he wants to be in life.

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done :).
> 
> I want to thank everyone for your continued support and wonderful comments - I've read all of them, even though I haven't answered - as well as my betas once more. This fic started out as me being a bitter millenial who likes fake dating and taking it out on Yuuri - but somewhere down the line it became something else. Yuuri kind of took matters into his own hands and shook things up a little ;).
> 
> Still, a lot of this is based on personal experiences, more or less, although for me it was middle school that was the hardest rather than high school. All the original characters in this chapter are based on people I actually did go to school with. I have no idea where they are now, so their current situations in life are made up. But what they were to Yuuri in the years past is basically what the people they were inspired by were to me.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me and this story until the end!

**Author's Note:**

> Yuuri and Viktor call each other "Yurik" and "Vitya", following the Russian diminutive conventions, because they are friends. "Yurik" is just one possible diminutive for Yu(u)ri, but I chose it for somewhat punny reasons (Yuuri K. = Yurik) and because it sounded nice :). For more information about diminutives and their use, please consult [this post](http://c0rnfl0wer.tumblr.com/post/158793053134/psa-for-the-yoi-fandom-russian-names-how-to-use) by Vasya.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr [here](nihonlove.tumblr.com).


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